Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

12:14 p.m. - March 09, 2002
This broken record thing is annoying even me. How about you?
Planning a spring break roadtrip with Spec to hit the two things we each enjoy most: The beach and the mountains, but I'm secretly nursing a desire to hit the desert and perhaps the Joshua trees if not something farther, like the Anasazi or Pueblo ruins in Arizona.

Seems lately that all I write about is Spec and the issues involved herein, and when I recall Monitor's comment that my life has become interesting--sparked no doubt by this opening-up of late--I think that the more I write about Spec the less interesting I'll become when the CD is on repeat repeat repeat.

But repeat is what I want. I want to mull. Ponder. Examine. Figure out. Get rid of it. Stop thinking so much. Determine things.

Just what though, I don't know.

On one hand, what I did with Spec and how I feel for him doesn't bother me at all. _That_ bothers me, as if I'm slipping gently from one to the other and assuming some rightful place, because if I wasn't bi/gay wouldn't I be bothered? Then I think Who Cares but I do. On the other hand I'm obsessing over stereotypes and the outward part of being bi/gay and marriage and children and comments like No Such Thing As Monogamy Between Men: Just Give It Time that I saw on a gay-friendly website and even looked into Evergreen, a program that aims to supress what are called SSAs, or same-sex attractions and I think I'm making this worse than it is simply for the sake of saying I'm fighting it so I can't be like them, them being the Queer Nation you see on TV and while YES, I know not everybody is like that, I'm not convinced inside. It's irrational, unrealistic, and ignorant--but still. I. Just. Feel. This.

It bugs Spec, it bugs me, this constant push push push. It pisses me off in when Spec says Admit That You Liked It because I won't but he knows I did and I know I did but I still won't say so. We haven't done anything since the weekend. It's all fucked up.

And amidst all this is the realization that I will miss Spec when he goes back to UW and I also want to be in Seattle not just for myself, not because he'll be there, but because I _want_ him and he wants me and what's wrong with that? Do you know what I secretly think when I'm being weak and silly and needy? That it was meant to be and I laugh at myself for thinking this but it is true, it is how I feel when I'm alone and thinking about him.

Meant to be, I don't know, but we're both Christians, share similar if not the same attitudes on sex, relationships, whoring around, alcohol, drugs and so many of the important issues that I feel comfortable, felt comfortable to open up and acknowledge things and I like that and it's comforting enough so that I don't stop this experience, but deep down I know I can't--I know it--and I think At least it's like this instead of something worse.

What the hell am I writing about? Pointless. Heh. I'm bored on a Saturday and not wanting to write and instead wanting to hike, but the hills are too cold for that this afternoon and I'm in the mood to make toast and read. Speaking of reading, just finished up Bobrick's Wide as the Waters, his book on the writing of the King James Version of the Bible which I enjoyed even if the latter half seemed to disintegrate into quotes from other works. When I did this new site, I wanted the Currently Reading thing, but I read too fast to make changing the info a reality. Wait, did you read that? "When _I_ did this site" should be "When Twiggle Revamped My Mess" because she did the site. I'm kind of missing her but that's the way it goes.

Told to me yesterday by a friend is that my ex girlfriend is still telling people we're together. Crazy, huh?

Oh, and then there's Bathsheba in Seattle and that whole mess but I'll write about that tonight.

 

previous - next

 

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!