Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries newest entry

3:25 p.m. - March 10, 2002
SOS
I allow nothing but I think about him often, thoughts that have no place in church or in my bed but they materialize whether I want them to or not.

I don't want him or you or me to know how eager I am for him, to touch his body and smell his scent and wrap myself around him. I don't know whether the moniker of evil applies but I do feel it is wrong, it is a weakness in me that I couldn't control and now it's circling my head mocking me as I reach to shove it back into its box. It's wrong, this weakness I have for him and I don't fool myself though I yearn to when I say it's love and love is the commandment and if it's love and not lust and everything else is pure, how can that be evil. Here I am bargaining with God but inside I know what it is and I do not like it, I fear it, and I hate it and I hate Spec for making me see it and I hate myself for being weak and unable to push hard enough and in the same breath I say I don't care and I prefer the roller coaster to the kiddie flying elephant ride but still. I don't like it.

Little self control so I banish him; otherwise I'd rub my face and hands across him. His stubble especially gives me a rush from deep inside and that little tuft under his lip and do you see what I see, that I'm lusting after his body like every other ten cent fag and this is why I'm unhappy because it's the lust I don't want and this is why men are dogs and last I checked there isn't a dog entrance into heaven.

Church this morning and I didn't take communion and I debated back and forth while the attendant stood there waiting for me to take and pass or pass and not take and I wanted to take if just to feel closer to God and then remembered to consume only with a clean heart with purpose and that is not me and I felt lonely in church and hungry for the fellowship yet too dirty to chat and so passed.

All of this is external. Inside, I feel okay if emasculated, okay with things on a physical level, okay with things on an emotional level between myself and another guy. I'm okay with it and I saddle the horse for the sunset ride and then the brakes work and I throw myself for a loop thinking I'm a man and not supposed to be doing this or This is an evil, lonely, depraved life or The experiment is over and time to go back to the black and white show shown at this time instead of the neon mess currenty playing.

And I don't care, I don't, but I feel like I should and in the absence of turmoil let me upset just for the sake of appearing reticent and not-too-willing or pleased with events. Jesus. Get a grip.

Let me write about something else, anything, because I'm tired of the same old shit.

 

previous - next

 

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!