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10:37 p.m. - March 31, 2002 Ups and downs of course (a given) but we made it through and things are finally right. Things are clearer than before and the firmament not as marshy. I am 26 years old and I have a boyfriend who makes me laugh and I make him laugh and we wrestle on the sand for an audience and laugh together and tell each other dumb jokes and I teach him dirty signs and he teaches me to relax and unclench and enjoy bread and cheese for breakfast and he laughs at my granola and fresh blueberries but steals and eats them. It is satisfying and I feel safe and I ache when he tells me why it�s me and not some chiseled-ab frat boy because there is a glimpse of what it�s supposed to be like and I think I just might make it and arrive at that vista point in the middle of the forest and climb up and look around and say Yes this is what I want and breathe instead of holding it in and watching the scenery pass by. Dreamed my dreams every night and told him a little about them and he said I talk in my sleep and I was embarrassed but he�d wake up with me and watch until I fell asleep. It�s odd to me, this feeling of security. Yesterday morning left camp and drove to the boardwalk to show him another favorite place and we rode the rides and he was afraid and kept his eyes shut but not me, I kept them open and laughed like a madman and let go of the holdbar and raised my arms on the roller coaster and felt what it is to not be in control and it is not cataclysmic and there were no lines so we rode over and over and kept my hands high in the night and the lights shone on my face and I starred in my own Hallmark Made For TV Movie complete with award-winning score but sarcasm aside, I loved it and regardless of what may come, this is one week I'll not forget.
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