I think the problems with my father started around this time and one day I want to talk to him about it. As Susan, my so-called second mother says, it's because of my hair--everybody in my family is blonde/blue eyed, except me. She says it jokingly but sometimes I wonder. To escape my father I'd build treehouses and forts at the elementary school, stealing boards off fences and scavenging for other materials in the dumpsters and staying inside with a book. My friend Hester would help and we'd figure ways to steal supplies and her older brother Philip would come and destroy the forts, which only presented new building challenges taken in stride. My father essentially ignored me for most of my life, except when he lost his temper and the worst hurt was when he'd tell me to get out of the way so he could take pictures of my brother and sister together. I don't understand why any parent would do things like that and I know I am partly to blame for it, because I threw my intelligence in my father's face and that was my tour de force, the fact that I would correct his written English behind his back. He wanted me to be like him, the type that makes the winning touchdown with seconds to spare, and instead he had a son who others thought to be more intelligent than himself. In retrospect I imagine that was difficult for him, and the more academic I became the more distant he became, or maybe it was vice versa, but regardless, this is when we became enemies.

He'd say often I'm Ashamed Of You and I couldn't figure out why. It wasn't until I visited after college graduation that he said he was proud of me. By that point I had stopped caring. That's not true. I cared deeply. I'm not him in any way, yet him in the ones that matter--I'm distant emotionally, judgmental, proud.

The point of these photos is to sit down and think about things both good and not so good and I've been doing that. The most palpable thought is that this was before things changed and again, I wish I had more memories.

I don't like the next photo but I think this is good for me.

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