8:26 a.m. - April 30, 2002
Postscript
I've calmed down and fighting the temptation to delete the previous entries and pretend all is well. All is not well but things can be, will be. I tend to laugh off and roll my eyes at survivors of The Trauma of the Day, especially when formatted in a Made-For-TV Lifetime Television for Women special, but inside I'm always curious and wonder How did they do it? Went to Barnes & Noble and checked out the Self Help section and left both disappointed and disgusted, the former because there was no book titled Jason: How To Live The Life You Want and the latter because while there are multiple texts on women with problems, the ones geared towards men seem to universally address issues of physical violence as if all the progress in social relationships between the genders boils down to the immutable: Men Hit Women.
I didn't know what I was looking for but didn't find it, so no great loss.
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I applied to a university position back East for an innovative summer program, and the last interview was this past Thursday. It is likely I will be passed over, since the university only needs six instructors and over 250 applied, but I am maintaining faith that Things Might Work Out. If passed over, I will be in a quandary for the summer in terms of income, though maybe not. I have enough banked to take care of the mortgage through September, but that's it and really, the bulk of my concern. What I want most is to travel this summer, at least to one destination off Non-Descript's path. Spec is trying to convince me to go on a vacation with him and he's been peppering me with What Ifs and How Abouts, and I'm almost ready to concede. The destination I know he wants most is some dinosaur fossil park in Utah, with runner-up a trip to Arkansas. Don't ask, I can't figure it out either.
As for me, I'm dreaming Peru. Last week worked with a colleague who recently took a trip with her boyfriend to film an indigenous music festival for documentary use and knowing my desire to visit Machu Picchu brought pictures. She didn't know anything about it until she arrived in Peru and thought it was overrated and while I'm sure my eyes bulged and I thought What a bloody fool I smiled and remarked on what an opportunity anyways. Envy, that.
And then I come home and see that a 5 day Peruvian trip is only $1,249.00 and I think I could do that. What I've decided is that I'm going to reward myself with a trip to Peru, but I need to first establish what needs to be accomplished to deserve this reward because yeah, it is more than a cup of ice cream from Baskin-Robbins.
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Last night dreamed of taking a shower whose drain was plugged by long strands of brown, gloopy hair that I constantly removed. Under my feet under the water along the tub's bottom was green moss that I peeled off and was slimy when held but crunchy like dried tree moss underfoot. The water was warm and comforting and there were no shower doors and the birds were loud and unseen but I could see their iridescent song paths, like snail trails on cement, lacing the space like spider webs. It was a beautiful sight and wonder if acid trips are like that--the good ones, at least.
No clues whatsoever about this one. Any Joseph Campbell-types out there?
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If you read this, would you sign the guestbook? I want to know your names. I don't know why, but I do.
