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11:19 p.m. - May 01, 2002 I feel like a fraud. Today Alysse in Florida confirmed conference details, so I'm going to Miami in August to present my research and curricular materials as well as give a sneak peek at the first two textbooks. Wouldn't call it a hefty honorarium but it's plenty enough and she's promised a hotel room facing the ocean. She said to feel free to bring the girlfriend with the tab picked up by the conference, and I had to say I'm single and she said Oh You And [the girlfriend] Were Such A Perfect Pair, That's Too Bad. I can't see Spec agreeing to doing something where people might be suspicious and honestly, that bothers me. It's living a lie and no matter how deep things are privately, the public personae will always be shallow and indubitably affect this relationship we're in. [Indubitably! Such a happy word, the way it tickles my tongue feels good, like having gas and being burped.] I suppose fundamentally my qualifications do not rest on whether or not I'm currently teaching but instead are determined by what I've done over the years, and thus I shouldn't feel guilty. But I do feel I'm misrepresenting myself because I have to put a school name under my title and will so commit fraud. Is that fraud, misrepresentation or just me worrying too much? Likely the latter and Who gives a fuck? Just me who has to worry about something, otherwise I can't distract myself and one can't have that. Feels good to be working again, really good.
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