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9:38 p.m. - July 07, 2002 Am considering asking Spec along and I pause to examine motives that vascillate between fondness and closeness and the desire to cuddle and inhale his scent. Last weekend we held hands and while I drove he put his hand into my pocket and left it there and it was mellow, neither threatening or teasing, just there. That's how it can be if I chill just a little and refuse insecurity a place at the table. I'm sure he'll counter with a trip to the ocean but I'll stick to the mountains and make a competition involving outhouses or trucks on blocks in front yards. Do I tell him I'm thinking of a trip just to be close to him? At least I can admit it to myself, wanting to be near him, but I don't understand it. I think it's beginning to be okay not understanding everything, letting trust develop and being vulnerable. It frightens me like nothing else I know, letting someone in who knows my secrets and my faults and weaknesses and who doesn't use them against me. Maybe that's the way it's supposed to be between people, where you trust the other and you hold someone else's trust in kind. Maybe it's like holding hands or putting hands in pockets; instead of my hands in my pockets, I put them in his and he puts his in mine and we drive down the road, quiet and smiling and enjoying the ride.
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