9:34 a.m. - August 19, 2002
Just a thought
I remember a guy in high school who everybody, including myself, teased daily, and while I don�t recall his name I can picture him walking, head down, feline-thin, blonde hair, delicate features. He had a girls� voice and threw his arms around often and as such was marked from the beginning. The last one chosen in P.E., the one who sat either by himself or with the other untouchables in the cafeteria, the one who brushed his hair back out of his eyes with not enough adolescent gangliness and too much grace. I watched as he was pushed, tripped, punched, mocked for his voice. I was called into the counselor�s office to provide details when a group of guys made him kneel and sing in the locker room and was spit upon.
I wonder how that guy is doing today. I wonder what becomes of guys like that. It is odd to me that I think of him today and wonder how, or why, he was courageous enough to accept torment like that instead of hiding or covering up those attributes that drew attention.
It is likely the guy is happier and more content than I; isn�t that an apt turn of events? To not be concerned with exposure or insult or condemnation, because he�s been through it already, and here I am, disturbed by my sister�s gay friend and his comments. Maybe what he sees so does everybody else and I don�t? I�m quiet and cold, frequently aloof and condescending, I iron my shirts when I�m bored.
It is as if my sister knows some how; right up until I dropped her off at the airport she teased about having a double life, mentioned she didn�t care if I was gay, wondered why I�m not married yet. Was she trying to tell me something? How easy it would be to say Yeah; it�s just a word, right? It�s more than that to me. It�s the connotations, the stereotypes, becoming the guy I teased all those years ago.
My sister�s Token Gay Friend developed some sort of stomach virus illness, contracted when he had an intimate encounter while high in a club and didn�t realize or care that the ass he licked was not clean. Your repugnance is mine, my family�s. If I were to say, Family, I�m gay it would be heard as Family, I�m a queer dick-sucker who takes it up the ass and does unspeakable, evil sexual favors in dark alleys and dark dungeons and the attitudes would change and I�d find myself prohibited from sitting on the toilet seat.
I feel like a jellyfish, moving along, doing my own thing, always at a distance.
