10:21 a.m. - September 04, 2002
On the cognoscenti
The tone of recent emails indicates I am borderline Horrible Person because my keep-in-touch habits are nascent and do not fulfill either desire or expectations.
I find myself surprised to read that two individuals with whom I am in contact say I am self-absorbed. There is truth in that observation but I am not convinced that is necessarily a poor quality. This is my private journal where yes, I engage myself instead of those around me and seek to better understand the role I am to play in my life. If you know me solely on the basis of Non-Descript, how can one not appear self-absorbed in a journal? There are many who write chronicles of engaging the world outside but utter few words about what's inside, and whether that's fine writing or not I don't comment, because I'm at a place in my life where this introspection, focused on myself, is important, urgent, and about time.
It is never a good feeling when someone points out faults and weaknesses, doubly so when you know the person is correct. What do people want from me? Chatty emails that are amusing and revelatory, bubbly phone calls, anecdotes on Life? I'm not like that. I will send an email occasionally, telephone more rarely; not because I am not interested, but because I feel like an out-of-touch-with-the-world idiot. That's all. I never know what to say to people so I prefer to be quiet.
In other words, I'm defensive and hurt and pissed off because the inability to satisfy is more weakness.
And must go. Will be late for work.
