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9:10 a.m. - September 06, 2002
I'd laugh and say Shoo if it didn't alarm me
Feeling like a hypocrite today after TJ confessed he's gay and is interested in me beyond our friendship and I could only shoot him a look before stating matter of factly, I'm not into that and it was time to go.

I'll have a side of insecurity with the hypocrisy as well.

TJ's a guy I've known for a while, ever since the Berkeley class; he's a medical student and someone I enjoy hanging out with. We're planning on seeing Coldplay tonight but maybe in light of everything that won't happen, or maybe I'm just being stupid. I thought something was odd but I didn't think it was that; he calls and emails often and perhaps it's paranoid-hindsight but he's in my area quite a bit, and I didn't see it.

I'm feeling uncomfortable now; last night was worse.

It's like there's an aroma attached to me, like that dirty kid's dust cloud from Peanuts, that spells G A Y in pink letters and activates that gay radar thing; there's my sister's Token Gay Friend, a colleague, and now TJ. It alarms me as if somehow I've been sucked into something without realizing it.

It's a childish response, I know.

I don't get it. I do not embody the kouros idealized by the gay aesthetic, I'm not cute, I'm not sculpted; I'm what your grandmother calls nice looking because it best fits one who is not good looking and is the truth.

I'm bothered.

And before you bring it up again, there's a reason why I don't post photos of myself here.

 

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