6:18 a.m. - September 21, 2002
Cold water plans and hot feet
It is better that he did not come over last night; it is likely I would regret it today. The hours between invite and disinvite were thrilling but all things come to an end, especially when sisters arrive to visit and plan on staying the night. There may be another time, but I know he was disappointed because he said so, and I wonder if he thinks I lost the nerve.
I didn't.
Earlier yesterday afternoon I decided to open up some and invite TJ to my place and I made sure he understood to bring a change of clothes; cleaned (somewhat obsessively) and all the while thought What's so bad about this? when in truth I was nervous and anxious and giddy as if he would arrive in a stretch limo and off we'd go to a high school function.
But it was not to be.
My sister is a beautiful woman inside and out, but she jumped to the top of my shit list for throwing cold water on my plans.
All was not a wash; talked to Lorster for a while and I laughed too much out of shyness and nervousness as we delved into theology and psychology and blue collarism. She has a beautiful voice and zero qualms about asking probing, intimate questions. I like that, given how most people are (somehow?) intimidated by me and are easily discouraged from getting to know me.
Working for a few hours today and then I'm going to a park at the crest of the hills to read and think and avoid thinking about this coming weekend. Lorster, I cannot help being drawn to the center while sitting in a field with the birds overhead and the wind and the sun and the grasses whispering in my ears, saying Pursue, pursue, get to know me.
