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9:15 a.m. - September 30, 2002
On everything
Weekend becomes a blur couched between being searched at each airport opportunity. In Tampa after I was patted (Can I follow your waist?)and wanded (I smiled like the Pilsbury Dough Boy because oooh it can be ticklish) and afterwards a woman told me it's because of my shoes and I figure I'll be hounded forever if that's the case. I have Donald Duck feet; size 12 for someone my height looks funny, though not quite clown-like, and apparently security personnel figure hellraisers might wear big shoes on purpose and fill the toespace with something up to no good. I told the guy who felt me up that from now on I'm wearing flip flops. He said it was a good idea.

Writing about the keynote and the conference seems contrived and artificial after the fact but I'd like to say this experience was what I needed, though I don't want to reduce everything down to a shot of confidence. It was more than that, but I'm not quite sure what.

You know, I winged the keynote (can I say wung and get away with it?) from start to finish and literally had them spellbound. I spoke for two hours on adolescent and adult acquisition of language, focusing on the cognitive, psychological, pedagogical, and emotional aspects of the affective filter and the ways in which teachers impede student learning unconsciously and techniques to remedy student frustration and engage the learning process for all students. The audience furiously took notes, asked questions, collectively lit light bulbs and at each juncture I thought Holy shit I'm getting away with this. All the planning I did, the hand-wringing, the notes, the worry, couldn't obscure the fact that I knew what I was talking about and that was the realization, that I'm good at something. I'm quick to discount myself or achievements but there the self-doubt whisper was drowned out and that is why I'm thankful for the opportunity.

I've never been popular in the clique manner so was unprepared for the compliments, let-me-be-your-buddy, you're-the-second-man-to-walk-on-water onslaught that happened after the keynote and each presentation I made (I spoke for a total of 12 hours over Friday and Saturday). Other recognized experts in the field asked me questions and inside I couldn't help but think What if I say the wrong thing but I didn't, and neither did I perch atop the ivory tower; I brought theory and the brain's complex functioning to the classroom level and with each example and model I became more excited that I was doing well and teachers, my colleagues, asked me a thousand How Do I scenarios and I didn't come across as a know-it-all but as a teacher and researcher who can marry theory with praxis to achieve results instead of my greatest fear, of being a spectacled scientist with plenty of theories but not in touch with today's classroom.

It felt good!

I have desperate invitations to present in New York, Texas, and Michigan, in addition to returning to Florida's spring conference as well. Overwhelming, but I barely scratched the surface of what I do and we need this in the classroom, a better understanding of the brain's properties and functionalities because I believe every student can learn but not every teacher can teach, though if teachers understand how the brain works in processing input and re-orient themselves success can be evident and rewarding. I made a big stir when I stated that failing students originate solely with failing teachers and got the usual union-driven reaction of But But But but my own point that we educators cannot point to ADHD or the videogame industry as catch-alls for our own failings hit the mark.

So. Now for the confession.

I invited Spec to come with me, and he did. Been embarrassed to admit this here. A[deleted]a called Saturday to see how things went and she heard a guy in the background and when I told her who it was, she sputtered and became angry and said I have zero sense. I know. I couldn't help it for some reason. What a cop out. I missed him and wanted to see him and he met me in Denver and came to Tampa with me and what is wrong with that? There's much to be mined here, but the truth is I care deeply for him, always have, despite what he did, and I took a chance. I denied my feelings for him, allowing anger and hurt to veneer real emotions, but I wonder sometimes about this lesson I'm learning. It's always been easy for me to leave people, to cut strings and ties and go on my way, moving from person to person seemingly aconscious, but try as I do, I can't just cut him out of my life. I don't know if that is good or bad and I've rationalized it both ways--is Spec for me like one of those girls I've had for whom I was their first lover and became an object of fixation, or is this an emotional about face like a magnet pointing north--but what it comes down to is that I don't know what to think, and for right now that's okay.

There's a connection, as goofy as that sounds.

Neither of us had been happy apart.

I used to think I preferred things to be calm and controlled though I think now I like uncertainty.

To a certain degree.

 

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