12:10 a.m. - December 21, 2002
Evidentiary hearing 3: The defense rests, your honor
Can one say I got into a fight with my best friend without invoking adolescent silliness? Maybe had a disagreement seems more adult-like but it's also removed from the truth, which is bare-bone-adolescent, I got into a fight. With A[deleted]a, because she told me she's worried about me; the defenses went up and I took the offense but she held her ground and ended in a huffy draw. She's worried I'm isolating myself, a hermit-in-the-making, am on track towards becoming a bitter old man. Caustic sentiments and I asked her how long she's felt this way and she said for a long time she's seen the changes in me, for nearly two, maybe three years.
When someone talks about me and I don't want to hear, I don't tune out, I simply stop listening, or I'll feint and charge; A[deleted]a knows my tactics and it's evident had been wanting to say these things for some time. I felt ambushed and angry that she is right.
It, everything, the way I've become, I think lies in great part with the way I look. The uglier I become, the less contact I have with people, or more accurately, the more insular and shielded I am. I don't know why or when I began thinking this, but it's been a long time; even as a child I knew I was ugly and resented people who said You're so handsome, people like my mother and grandmother, the two people whose opinions generally count for nil in the big picture. You know that picture I posted of me a while ago? I had to use my driver's license photo because that was the last time I had a photo taken of me; I run from cameras and am first to volunteer to take snapshots of you. It is not whining, it is fact. Yes, I know how illogical and stupid and self-defeating it is to think of myself this way, but it is how I feel. I'm sorry, but it's true.
I told her about my Plan even though I haven't mentioned it to anybody else, not even here, and she just said What good is that if a decade from now you're on Step 3 and I tried to laugh it off, that the Plan is neither an oasis in the desert or an overnighter, that I do things my own way and at my own pace, thank you very much. Tonight I'm not feeling great about myself.
I don't know what's wrong, either. And I hate saying it here or anywhere because it's self-effacing and cloyingly pitiful but physically, I'm unattractive and emotionally I'm even worse, which adds up to something wholly undesirable. I know this, and recognize this. You think anyone wants to think like this? It's summation of facts: I am unattractive; you will not look twice at me anywhere; the inside is as unappealing as the exterior.
Fuck it. I'm going to sleep. And don't even think about disagreeing with me. I've already had enough tonight. If any of you think I'm not ugly, it's because you haven't passed me on the street.
