1:12 p.m. - October 08, 2003
What the fuck is going on with my head?
As unpalatable as it is, I must face facts: Ryan will be a suck buddy. Not a fuck buddy, because that's not going to happen; that action happens only on stand-by mode because you never know when you'll get a spot, and I'm unwilling to let him stand at the gate though if the IRS were to request more money, I'd consider selling a short-range ticket or two. So I'm there sucking his dick thinking of the contributing factors - a vector - that have me servicing him when I can't even watch the same ESPN commentary on Kobe Bryant as he is because all I see is flesh and pubes, and I'm unable even shake my head in confusion because it's being held prone by big hands. So the question becomes, is this the interaction I want, or do I want that no-need-to-doubt-who's-the-man variety offered by The Guy?
Fact is, I like sucking cock and (horror) especially the gush (did I just say this out loud?) and I'm quick to offer a defense: Only for the right guy, but in that case my syllogisms (bad syllabic choice, that) quail because I attract guys who think it's okay to be agressive or hit, so how can they be the right type? Unless this posits an aha! moment and I answer my own question by posing another: What is it about these guys that attracts me to the point where I don't mind being their queer bitch? There must be some overarching dependent variable in the equation, something like
So then perhaps my (unstated)(ignored)(unacknowledged) desire to be bullied is proprotionate to those who do and can, and it's within that nexus that my latent cocksucking desires and skills are evidenced. Or something like that.
I get off on sucking dick. That makes me a cocksucker. See, it's okay to suck and swallow, but not to be a fag. Just how does that work? I like my head being held and not choking; it's a challenge, after all. But returning to Spec and Eli and Ryan, each of whom I'm involved with sexually, I'm confronted by incontrovertible evidence that I'm turning into a (reliable) cocksucking whore and a(n) (intermittent) bottom who (occasionally) fucks ass. Really, does it matter? Just to me and my labeling system, and I'm unsure whether I now belong under Whore, Experimenting, Letting Go Just A Lil' Bit, or Fucked in the Head: Literally.
These are things I think about while sucking dick. I'm developing my own metatheoretical understanding of what it means to suck cock. Now this is something I can do well, besides suck a load down.
Is it any wonder I don't enjoy sex?