11:35 a.m. - March 05, 2004
It isn't that I don't like people - misanthropy - it is the opposite: I want people in my life, I want a cadre of people with whom I'm open and trust implicitly with the details of my life rather than maintaining distance and suspicion: Why do you want to know me? I want to relish vulnerability and come to learn that being close to people is not weakness but instead is a strength - common sense, I know, rational, I know, but I do not know - and for all of this, I move away when one person knows me too well, when I fear my weaknesses and faults have become well-known, when I fear the desire for closeness because it turns my worldview upside down. So it is a constant struggle, a tug of war and the fear part in me always wins over the takes chances part, the better part, the part held hostage by everything else. There are many people in my life whom I push to the edges - acquaintances, colleagues - and then there are friends, a small circle of people like Bathsheba and Rob, who put up with what I can only term my shit. There is a third group - stragglers, maybe? - of people like ST, Lori, and Joel, all people with whom I interact via Non-Descript. Diarylanders, yeah? I pushed them away too, rebuffed their interest, decline opportunities to meet and hang out, get to know each other better. ST is gone now and this saddens me, I see how I'm my own executioner one person at a time. My network, my web is not resilient; it is tattered and ratty. It is not enough to say some day things may be different; my life is passing me by and I can't catch up.
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