8:55 a.m. - March 31, 2004
130
T.S. Eliot�s vision of the world�s end is manifesting itself in my life and the crossroads aren�t as far ahead as I�d prefer. Trying to visualize my feelings (ye olde therapist trick), I come up with a balloon or parachute fully extended and slowly deflating, the circumference and area decreasing around me. I�m being silly but all night I thought about how things are changing around me but I�m not keeping abreast and what does this portend? Bathsheba is my closest friend, the only one out there who knows me inside and out, and what will happen when I lose her? She and her boyfriend are talking marriage and things change when a ring slips over a finger, certain topics are best not shared both ways, and things cannot be the same when one is married and the other not. A part of me feels the urgency to act quickly and write more letters, be a better friend, in the remaining time, while another part desires to pull back some, give her space to allow events to run their course. And I am so happy for her, she deserves a great guy and a happy marriage, and I guess what this is really about is me wanting a happy marriage, too. Once Bathsheba marries, that leaves Rob and I the only people from our close circle of friends who aren�t married. And Rob and I are gay. Ha. I am a bitter old man and I�m not even 30 yet.
Last night I told my first lie to Bathsheba. I don�t know why I did, but when she asked if I was seeing anybody I said yes, said it was a woman from church. And Bathsheba was so happy and I guess I was, too. All along Bathsheba�s been the most supportive, asking about the guys I see and not once judged or condemned me, even though her theology is far more conservative than my own (hard to believe, eh?). And still, or despite that, I lied to her. I�m feeling pretty guilty about this. I�ll �fess up today.
You know what would be great? A singles group at my church for gay guys. Yeah, I can see that being a big hit.
I don�t want to think about being gay and Christian today. Or weddings and how things change. I wonder why I have such a difficult time making friends.
