8:55 a.m. - March 31, 2004
T.S. Eliotís vision of the worldís end is manifesting itself in my life and the crossroads arenít as far ahead as Iíd prefer. Trying to visualize my feelings (ye olde therapist trick), I come up with a balloon or parachute fully extended and slowly deflating, the circumference and area decreasing around me. Iím being silly but all night I thought about how things are changing around me but Iím not keeping abreast and what does this portend? Bathsheba is my closest friend, the only one out there who knows me inside and out, and what will happen when I lose her? She and her boyfriend are talking marriage and things change when a ring slips over a finger, certain topics are best not shared both ways, and things cannot be the same when one is married and the other not. A part of me feels the urgency to act quickly and write more letters, be a better friend, in the remaining time, while another part desires to pull back some, give her space to allow events to run their course. And I am so happy for her, she deserves a great guy and a happy marriage, and I guess what this is really about is me wanting a happy marriage, too. Once Bathsheba marries, that leaves Rob and I the only people from our close circle of friends who arenít married. And Rob and I are gay. Ha. I am a bitter old man and Iím not even 30 yet.
Last night I told my first lie to Bathsheba. I donít know why I did, but when she asked if I was seeing anybody I said yes, said it was a woman from church. And Bathsheba was so happy and I guess I was, too. All along Bathshebaís been the most supportive, asking about the guys I see and not once judged or condemned me, even though her theology is far more conservative than my own (hard to believe, eh?). And still, or despite that, I lied to her. Iím feeling pretty guilty about this. Iíll Ďfess up today.
You know what would be great? A singles group at my church for gay guys. Yeah, I can see that being a big hit.
I donít want to think about being gay and Christian today. Or weddings and how things change. I wonder why I have such a difficult time making friends.
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