1:14 a.m. - April 12, 2004
It is one of those nights when the skin on my hands tingle from the Ajax and Formula 409.
I wonder occasionally whether I'll ever get over it. The residue is in my cells, that's how I visualize everything.
I broke up with Ryan II yesterday. Holding myself away from a guy frustrates me; not holding myself away scares me. I'm not fair for him. He was a nice guy about it, said he'd try to be more interested in bottoming so I'd have fewer - reactions - to intimacy. It's intimacy, period, that's the problem. Wonder if I'll be able to open up and let down my guard with a man, trust him implicitly and just let go. There's a refrain marching through my head, a ragtime beat and a piccolo, everything's fine on the outside and inside I'm melting. Discordant.