7:52 a.m. - April 28, 2004
1) Do you think you have problems with homosexuality becuase of your abuse?
Yes. I am attracted to men yet am afraid of them concurrently. If I were more comfortable with intimacy - sexual or otherwise- I'm certain I would feel different towards men and being able to trust them. Like with most things, it's me, not homosexuality, that's the problem.
2) Are you keeping Ryan II becuase you're bored or is it a possibilty that you have true feelings for him? And if it's just boredom do you think you should let him go and if it might be true feelings do you think'll you'll take the plunge.
I do not feel passion or excitement when I think about or am with Ryan II. I enjoy spending time with him but there isn't anything inside that races and seeks to develop a relationship. And as for letting him go, I am not clingy or very encouraging but I think he feels the same way towards me - keep expectations low and we'll both be satisfied. He is much more open about expressing his feelings and while he occasionally mentions love it's not love love. What else can I say? I give great head and like to cuddle; he's my we-don't-fuck-often-enough-to-call-it-a-fuck-buddy relationship. We each get what we want - I want confidence interacting with a man, he wants to cuddle and talk.
3) When doing sign language do you ever just paraphrase what the person speaking is saying or do you do it verbatim?
I'm not sure what you mean by paraphrase versus verbatim, so indulge me if I go on a long tangent and explain language. Because ASL and English are two different languages, one cannot go verbatim between the two; you can't make sense if you sign word-for-word what is said in English (and likewise from ASL to English). For example, in English we say: