10:10 p.m. - September 26, 2004
Talked for a long time with Joel and towards the end felt comfortable, and the iPod is mine, being used (right this minute), and I still have yet to wipe this silly grin off my face. To think of it, I've never owned a Walkman or anything similar - this is such a treat.
Bad things don't necessarily have to happen by accepting something from another. A lesson learned late, perhaps only half-learned, or a quarter, because I still wonder what price I'll have to pay for the present, that same fear from a long time ago. It is a deep fear that hasn't yielded but it's good to stretch boundaries once in a while, isn't it? I trust Joel, not because of this gift, but because I've known him for a long time now and he makes me laugh, he makes me worry, he makes me want to meet him. These are all good things and maybe trust is like the game of bowling, a series of pins at the end of the alley amid a history of gutterballs. Eventually the vagaries of chance and circumstance collide and one pin goes down, then two and confidence builds, and then a strike comes along and nothing is the same.
I'd like to tell him how much this gift means but more importantly how much he means to me. Not having many friends, I really cherish the ones I have - that's not true. I push as much as I pull - nah, all this is wrong. I felt really liked today, I felt like I counted to someone. Yes, that's exactly it.