9:46 a.m. - October 03, 2004
1. A four-day stint divided into two sets of all-day trainings is wearisome. I'm beat and feel the quality of the second run, particularly Saturday, was not up to par.
2. When a man is patient and takes his time, I do not panic. My hands may shake and hold my breath, look scared enough for him to stop and ask if I'm okay, but nothing bad happened.
3. It feels great to be carefree in limited doses, to put aside discomfort and engaging in activities otherwise verboten, like saying yes when Cam called again to walk along the river though I knew well what would transpire later.
Going home later today.
At Cam's house I saw pictures of his ex-partner. Such a chasm between him and I, I cannot help but think it is far easier to be a happy gay man if one is beautiful. Their relationship fell apart over a failed adoption effort and Cam misses him, how I could see it. Earlier he had inquired into my type and I evaded the question because I'm not sure how to say it concisely or freely, did not want to think how far away I am from being his type but a convenient filler for a lonely night or two. Towards the end I felt I was the recipient of a pity-fuck for how can someone be genuinely attracted to me as I am now? But those thoughts flitted away and I took what pleasure and contentment I could grab to store away for later.