8:40 p.m. - November 21, 2004
Today I found out my aunt Cathi must have a double mastectomy. My cousin Theresa's cancer has reached Stage 4 and was told to go home and tend to her personal matters. Samuel will come home to stay nearby, putting the NYT on hold and, as Cathi said, quite likely his position will disappear.
I have such a small family as it is and we are shrinking exponentially. I feel so bad for Theresa, for Cathi, for Sam, for her husband and two children. I haven't seen her since grandma's funeral when we talked about our Ph.D. programs. It's not right.
On top of it, we're having blackouts. What's going on? The last one - the fourth - hit about an hour ago so let's hope all is taken care of.
Went to Barnes & Noble this afternoon; did not buy anything. Nothing appealed! Did not attend church, have not answered the phone. I am hungry but it feels good to make bargains with myself and keep them: Breakfast only until I've taken care of the illustration mess. It's proving effective - I'm plodding through, though last night I dreamed I picked chocolates as laborers do strawberries in a field, with the result that all day I've been thinking of chocolate. Must remind self that I am grossly obsese and those things are verboten.
My mind is jumbled, I am angry. I wish I had a tight-knit family. We only talk when somebody is dying or dead.