10:25 p.m. - March 25, 2005
Tonight's service was hosted by the black church. I had a wonderful time and enjoyed the service, the music, the way the pastor broke up the audience - we couldn't sit next to somebody a) from our home church and b) our same skin color. I sat next to Scott - the pastor didn't say anything about closeted queers so he was fair game. I assume Scott's gay, based on some comments he's made in the past, and I was tempted to tell him - because - I don't know why. I guess I'm tired of hiding it, I guess. I care, but I don't, at the same time. I wonder if Scott wonders about me being gay, too.
My ears still ring. Tons of music, with the Korean hymns my favorite. There's something to be said about simplicity that I love; I can do without the instruments, microphones, and powerpointed-lyrics. Just give me beautiful voices and I can listen by the hour. Something about the Asian hymns struck a chord, especially when they were preceded or followed by the black and white songs which seem more spectacle and entertainment-focused than expressions of faith. But overall the service was incredible and I'm glad I went, grateful I didn't have to go to Arizona this weekend. Took communion; I can't remember the last time I partook.
Felt good to be a part of something for a few hours, then I sat in my quiet car and returned to my quiet home, and I feel bad all over again.
I give up on this journal. I give up writing at all - I can't get the words out of my head any more. Shit, I don't have anything left.