11:01 p.m. - September 13, 2005
I am coming out. Last week it was to a new acquaintance-possible(hopefully)-friend. Yesterday to a colleague. Today with another. The paragraph break invites too much of a dramatic turn, a hyperbolic crescendo and bated breath, a self-conscious ta-dah! that I mock. I smile at this shy amusement of mine.
The first time was in conversation about break-ups and casually, blithely, without debate Ė I would say just slipped out but it was a conscious act: I ended a relationship with a woman to begin one with a man. He was surprised; I was confident. The sky did not fall. He did ask for a label later into the conversation Ė gay, bi, straight? Ė and I wavered, I did, though I mentioned the desire to pursue women just isnít there. I didnít add that Iím not pursuing guys either. By the third person, I was sharing my thoughts on men who crossed our path. No shame or guilt, no base feelings. A matter-of-fact big-whoop that surprises me, but doesnít, for its gradual arrival. There was no fanfare; I didnít wake up one day saying Iím a gay man; I did not take baby steps. Quite simply, it was time.
I plan on telling my sister. I want to tell my pastor, though on that issue I do worry: My church is conservative and family-oriented, and Iíve yet to reconcile my theology with where my mind and eyes wander when it comes to men.
It is all rather unremarkable I tell myself, except that it really is. I am disinclined to identify in any way with this so-called gay community and given my challenges in being intimate emotionally or sexually with a man, I doubt I will have much interaction beyond the most superficial. That is what Iím chiseling on my frieze Ė that Iím okay being the way I am. I am gay. I am a Christian. I am Jewish. I am alone but learning to appreciate it. I like long drives to nowhere. I like to laugh a lot, and loudly, when among people I trust. I like to walk slowly and observe. I like to listen to growing things. I am shy. I am unattractive but I donít walk with my head down. My wants and desires are simple, and fulfilled simply. I am not selfish or a degenerate because I am attracted to men.
I do not need, or am in want of, fixing.