8:46 a.m. - January 05, 2006
Bringing my old pen-and-paper journal, whose last entry was 11-21-2002. I read a few pages about Spec and noticed (a) how different I am now in some ways and (b) my current state of lackluster writing enthusiasm and polish.
One thought that remains after perusing the old entries was my complete fear that Spec and I would not last, one so overwhelming that I could not - what does one say when referring to an abusive partner? Resist? Walk away? - admit how awful things were. I preferred to be with a man who hit, belittled, and teafully apologized in a neverending cycle rather than have to admit to myself that I had thrown away my en-route-to-marriage heterosexual relationship for nothing more than a sneer and a fist.
I am more bothered now by how much I've changed for the worse: I have ballooned weight-wise; I have become quiet and more shy than ever before (the weight? something else?); I used to think I was an eligible partner for someone out there.
But time is kind and I am about to immerse myself in an environment I would never once have considered not that long ago. Of course, immersion and participation are two different things and I am already reciting my conference mantra: Do not hide in the room. Do not hide in the room. Do not hide in the room.
(This is the first trip I've taken in years unaccompanied by the laptop. Yes, that is correcet: I am doing no work for the next five days.)