10:34 p.m. - March 04, 2006
Integrity took a blow tonight; online acquaintance of several months; met in person, me anxious and worried I am too ugly for interest; we laughed and talked for a while, then he made a confession: I am married; disappointed, disgusted; hungry for the company, relieved by his interest, dishonor or the comfort of a cuddle; went to his house. Sat in his truck and talked, made out; inside, the living room; mind saying no, body saying yes, loneliness louder than both combined; looked directly at family photos and closed my eyes, willing them away; bedroom, woman's touch everywhere, laying next to him, feeling his body, wanting this in desperation. Pushed him away, said I can't do this, and left. The thing is, I told him I wasn't that kind of guy but in truth I am. I have had one-night stands. I can call Kevin when I'm in Houston and Cam when I'm in Boston, and I have. I cheated on a woman I loved because I was enamored by a man. I've trolled on gay.com for head. I go home with someone I know is married and place my desires over what is right and will do so willingly and eagerly. I am become the type of gay man I despise. My integrity is tattered and embarrassing; I am not attracted to myself even when my eyes are shut.