3:50 a.m. - March 14, 2006
Phone rings in patterns of two because after two rings it goes to voicemail. Ring ring ring ring ring ring. I worry: Grandma. Sister. Brother. The apartment complex is on fire and destroyed before the city has finalized the paperwork. It's 3:0 a.m. who else calls so early. Surprise. It's Ryan II. Haven't heard from him in such a long time. Calling me at 3:00 because a) he knew I was home because he saw lights on when he made a detour last night and b) he figured since I don't return messages he wouldn't give up until I picked up the phone. It's way too fuckin early for this but it was good to hear his voice and we talked for a while. Good to be reminded I am not utterly un-likeable. He misses me and when I heard his voice I m missing him too, he always made me laugh even if he was a little strange. Not strange, I just dont' understand exhibitionists. I told him it was not all that much fun to sit in his living room and watch him work out. Did i ever write about that? Was probably too embarassed back then to reveail much about what was going on sexually. But yeah he'd work out and I'd watch and sometimes I liked it, other times I d sit there thinking jocks just aren't my thing I guess. Funny thing is tho, he asked if I am more comfortable being a top now and I asked him how come he was asking, and he said that he misses cuddling and jesus do adul;ts say mess around? I got no idea. Made me wonder tho if I top maybe I won't freak out as much but sometimes like with alex Topping didn't work out. But with Kevin it does. just how does that work. Jesus I'm tired and falling asleep but I shouldn't , i should get up now. Flattered. I feel warm and flattered. should really stop thinking Im ugly. Silly to think one conversation is grounds for a change of life tho ha. I wonder if he was high, who is up so early like this? Im pretty sure he wasn't though which is good cuz I can't stand the drugs. Or the poeplew ho use them. Not like I hang out iwth people who use drugs or even with people in general so what am I talking about. Its been a while since we talked last, I dont even have his number anymore. You know what felt good? He said I'm memorable in a way most other guys aren't and thats also good to hear. He misses me. Was amazed, maybe amazed is too strong the word, surprised when i Shared how I'm not so much in th ecloset now. He must know me a little better than some people becasue he said you're never the same. That also made me feel good. What will feel good is going bac kt o sleep. To o daman early. At least I wrote this to remind me it wasn't a dream. Feels good to be liked doesn't it.
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