10:02 a.m. - October 20, 2006
Resolved
So I'm trying not to worry about what I write, or how, or write to be read and being clear, choosing words carefully and minding the grammar. I'm just writing what I'm thinking lately, feel that need to cuddle up with someone and talk and listen.
Last night I had beautiful dreams I remembered clearly after I woke up but that now have subsided into a warm, content feeling. I was surrounded by people and laughed often, and either in my dream or in real life I woke up laughing around 2:30 a.m. before falling back asleep.
I've been thinking about going back to school, but not to finish the Ph.D. at Stanford. Cognitive science and linguistics and me were never the best fit, and I slogged on because the interdisciplinary approach let me explore other fields like curriculum design and language teaching. Bottom line: I kept going because it was expected of me, because my papers and research were tops, because few others were pursuing my area of expertise, because I didn't know what I wanted other than the fancy degree from the fancy school. While I miss school and hurrying across campus from the lab to class or the hours spent in the libraries, I have no regrets. What I do have now is the desire to learn again. A daydream that's been forming has me going to Columbia for the MATASL degree, finding a small apartment and trying something new. Not doing this is ridiculous - I can pay tuition and exorbitant rents without a problem as long as those royalty checks keep coming. How odd though to enroll in a program when I've written the textbook that program uses! It is a nice daydream though.
I want to go somewhere for Christmas. I say this every year but when the day rolls around I am cooped up at home alone. Paris. I would like to go to Paris and walk along the Seine in the cold, just like I did all those years ago. Somehow loneliness in Paris isn't the same loneliness in Fremont, California. I have not travelled anywhere on vacation since I've been single. I wonder what it is about me that wants to have someone with me - is it just to share things with or is it more? Probably more, as if I need a minder. I am tired, have tired, of sharing things just with myself.
I do not want to write today, even though the deadline is just over a week away. Barbara-the-Editor will not be pleased so part of me hopes I will be caught in a horrid accident so I can proffer a legitimate excuse. Laziness has set in and is hard to evict.
It's your turn to talk. How are you doing? How are things? What's on your mind? Talk to me.
Bye
