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4:16 p.m. - January 05, 2004
One cannot traverse two directions simultaneously and running to and fro to cover both routes proves disastrous
Monday nights 6-8:00, group therapy. Wednesday mornings,variable times, individual therapy. Some days Iím engaged, voluble, see its worth; others, I dread talking. On both, hammer and nails are in hand over the sluiceway and though I want to lock everything up, nothing happens. I wonder if I am whatís termed a difficult patient. Most times when the topic comes up I freeze because talking, thinking, about it in a quiet room with eyes looking at me, watching me potentially cry Ė this is what disturbs me most, my lack of control over my own emotions. If the lights could be off would I talk easily? And just as much as I dread it, Iím thankful and relieved and this juxtaposition irks me Ė and therapists, too? Ė because Iím not opening up about the topic theyíre there for. Mulled doing a search of my journal Ė scary archives Ė and printing out my entries on the topic, handing them over. But you know what that is? Itís impersonal and therein is my safety zone, Iím fine Ė gregarious, laughing, polite, brave Ė until people know too much about me, see my weaknesses, see how flawed and tinkertoyish I am, until people deliver platitudes - I care for you - because at the end of the day these are not things I can use to ward off bad dreams or sad thoughts. In light of all this, how is talking about it helpful? Beneficial?

Child sexual abuse. Abbreviated CSA. Molestation. Triggers. PTSD. Anxiety. Depression. Low self worth. Low self-image. Obsessions. Fixations. Intrusive thoughts. Disturbed sleep patterns. Overcompensation. Redirection.

Simultaneous commands to flee, to stay. Balancing conflict, running back and forth to prop up both corners of my emotional house. I was happier when I didnít think about it, when I was so busy there was no time, no need, no inclination. Avoidance is my strategy, well executed, enough to function autonomically and I can deny having any stratagem, need for one, reason.

Itís like running in water. Is it ever just a workout or something deeper you canít explain, the urge to defy physical forces for some greater purpose? Or merely a brief interlude, a moment of Iíll try this before tiring of going nowhere and trying something else?

Easier to write here about it, because nobody sees my face when I do.

 

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