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7:23 p.m. - February 14, 2003
Valentine's Day: There's a barb in love, sometimes it's a pinprick, other times like an injury unnoticed at the time, that hurts afterwards
I donít think he realizes he has a problem and I donít feel it is my responsibility to address them, not when itís my emotions and feelings that are at stake. My impulse is to be patient and look past the things he says and does but just as quickly, I think I have to love myself more and thatís the real issue, isnít it? As much as I love Spec I realize I cannot be around him. I cannot.

I do not know how to articulate myself to him, how to play the role of actuary and weigh some actions and words more or less, compared to other words and deeds. Am I wrong for not wanting to his sludge field while he works on his own issues, issues that occasionally exacerbate my own? Part of me wants to be there for him, the other part wants to disappear as quickly as I can.

Last night we talked for hours and he can be kind and gentle, open up and communicate how hurt heís been, how he knows he didnít treat me well in the past; and he listened to me and didnít dismiss what I contributed. Iíve never felt closer to him Ė to anybody Ė and it was comforting to have him sleep next to me.

And then this morning, to contrast: We went out to breakfast and when the server asked for my order, he cut in and said Heíll have cereal; I looked at him like he was crazy and said I eat cereal every morning, when he said Apparently youíve been eating more than cereal since the last time I saw you. And the server chirped, Iíll be back in a moment to finish taking your order. I couldnít say anything and I think my eyes welled and I cannot recall a more humiliating event Iíve experienced. His excuse? He loves me so much he wants me to be healthy and he tried to deliver a puppy-dog look and then dropped it, saying Sometimes you need someone to give you a push and donít be sensitive. I donít understand him, I donít understand where he comes from, why he can be hurtful one minute and the next Ė or after pancakes Ė be tender and hold my hand while driving. He doesnít see it himself, the contradictions, the spectrum shifts, and Iím facing a doomed campaign if I take it upon myself to be his supportive punching-bag. Err, not the best image.

Itís trying to find a balance between the good and bad, isnít it? Isnít that what people are supposed to do for the person one loves? I canít find that balance.

Iím really unhappy tonight and feel defeated.

He gave me Coldplay tickets and I had nothing for him; he sulked and laughed, has taken my stuffed animal hostage. He hinted and is now asking directly for us to have sex. He calls it make love but as much as I desire it, itís not a good idea right now.

Wish I had things under better control.

 

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