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5:14 p.m. - February 04, 2004
Discretion, articulation: I demonstrate neither
Scattered-thought entry ahead, a brief series of recaps.

After the opening melee of puppets and animals and swirling costumes ran its course, my initial over-stimulation degraded into a notch above nonchalance watching the Lion King make his way across the stage. But what an opening! [editorís note: Thanks for the clothing advice. Ryan II said I looked great and I believed him and felt good doing so. Must find more items that draw out the (bright) green in my eyes because I enjoyed the attention Ė both Ryan and women-strangers complimented me repeatedly.]

Managed the crowds well and thankfully there were few children about. Great seats but it was far too warm and I had to close my eyes and picture space and solitude and a breeze Ė which, surprise, worked Ė and the only concern was the man seated in the row behind me who sneezed three times. I can bear wet restroom doorknobs, saliva, even allowing others access to my bathroom far more easily than I can handle sneeze-clouds. Do you know that the average mouth-released sneeze contains thousands of microbes that remain airborne for up to sixteen minutes and disperse, based on an acceleration-force ratio, up to twelve feet in circumference? That means if someone behind you sneezes, youíre breathing in what heís expelled and that idea creeps me out real bad. One sneeze, I can take a quick breath and wait it out; but three? Agony. An unwelcome reminder of why I need space. Ryan II snickered and whispered you feel the wet spots, too? to make sure my skin would crawl. It did.

I worry about these things a lot. It bothers me.

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I wonder if Ryan II isnít into me as much as heís into having somebody. I wonder if I worry for no reason but Iím disheartened by this quick slide into Boyfriend Labels. Valentineís Day is coming up and Iím worrying about what would be an appropriate acknowledgment that is neither relationship-laden nor relationship-inviting. Yet I go to comedy clubs with him, sit in $80 seats at a musical with him. I sleep with him, I talk with him every day. I say it isnít a relationship. Am I missing signals or deaf to the comforting voice inside saying this is good. Enjoy it, or do I resist what is evident because Iím holding out for Ė dare I say it?

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Had lunch with Courtney and why canít I be as confident and comfortable with guys as I am with her?

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Came home, talked on the phone with Ryan II: I have a lot of reading to do, how about we hang out tomorrow night instead?, talked with the mentee about the rest of the weekís schedule. Heís toned down and Iím relieved, though would prefer he didnít follow up everything with Do you do this because of the code of ethics? or Youíre so lucky as if Iím merely riding the wave of celestial benevolence rather than my own hard work. Just two different backgrounds and Iím trying hard to be supportive and encouraging even if I want to roll my eyes.

And right now I have a bad headache, want to be alone, yet listen to somebody talk, share a few laughs.

 

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