5:14 p.m. - February 04, 2004
Discretion, articulation: I demonstrate neither
Scattered-thought entry ahead, a brief series of recaps.
After the opening melee of puppets and animals and swirling costumes ran its course, my initial over-stimulation degraded into a notch above nonchalance watching the Lion King make his way across the stage. But what an opening! [editor�s note: Thanks for the clothing advice. Ryan II said I looked great and I believed him and felt good doing so. Must find more items that draw out the (bright) green in my eyes because I enjoyed the attention � both Ryan and women-strangers complimented me repeatedly.]
Managed the crowds well and thankfully there were few children about. Great seats but it was far too warm and I had to close my eyes and picture space and solitude and a breeze � which, surprise, worked � and the only concern was the man seated in the row behind me who sneezed three times. I can bear wet restroom doorknobs, saliva, even allowing others access to my bathroom far more easily than I can handle sneeze-clouds. Do you know that the average mouth-released sneeze contains thousands of microbes that remain airborne for up to sixteen minutes and disperse, based on an acceleration-force ratio, up to twelve feet in circumference? That means if someone behind you sneezes, you�re breathing in what he�s expelled and that idea creeps me out real bad. One sneeze, I can take a quick breath and wait it out; but three? Agony. An unwelcome reminder of why I need space. Ryan II snickered and whispered you feel the wet spots, too? to make sure my skin would crawl. It did.
I worry about these things a lot. It bothers me.
I wonder if Ryan II isn�t into me as much as he�s into having somebody. I wonder if I worry for no reason but I�m disheartened by this quick slide into Boyfriend Labels. Valentine�s Day is coming up and I�m worrying about what would be an appropriate acknowledgment that is neither relationship-laden nor relationship-inviting. Yet I go to comedy clubs with him, sit in $80 seats at a musical with him. I sleep with him, I talk with him every day. I say it isn�t a relationship. Am I missing signals or deaf to the comforting voice inside saying this is good. Enjoy it, or do I resist what is evident because I�m holding out for � dare I say it?
Had lunch with Courtney and why can�t I be as confident and comfortable with guys as I am with her?
Came home, talked on the phone with Ryan II: I have a lot of reading to do, how about we hang out tomorrow night instead?, talked with the mentee about the rest of the week�s schedule. He�s toned down and I�m relieved, though would prefer he didn�t follow up everything with Do you do this because of the code of ethics? or You�re so lucky as if I�m merely riding the wave of celestial benevolence rather than my own hard work. Just two different backgrounds and I�m trying hard to be supportive and encouraging even if I want to roll my eyes.
And right now I have a bad headache, want to be alone, yet listen to somebody talk, share a few laughs.
