8:26 a.m. - March 02, 2003
Something I've been thinking about since waking this morning and watching the birds
I question motives, am suspicious of why you want to know me better, distrust appearances of good intentions. When someone demonstrates effort to come closer despite my Keep Away nature, I vascillate between suspicion and hope and it's like a chef tossing eggs or pancakes in the air - I don't know what side will be visible at any one time, and I'm not the chef confident of abilities. I don't know what people want - what do you want? Just tell me up front and I'll feel secure as long as I know what you want. I prefer the plain to the peripheral.
Sometimes I become caught up thinking Hey, I can do this, I can let down the guard and see how things go; I'll initiate conversation, I'll pull up a chair at your table. But those moments don't last long and I'm quick to retreat, even if I don't really want to. For example, I've been exchanging emails from this guy who does amazing artwork and while it was uncomfortable, I was curious; but I'm suspicious of what he wants and I can feel the Push Away factor manifesting. Same thing with Bathsheba, with Spec; last night I talked with both and I asked him, What do you want? as if hoping for a different answer, something I hadn't seen before. And I hate wondering about it, hate how scared and vulnerable I sound when I ask and think about it, wanting to know why someone wants to be close to me. I don't trust people, I don't trust you, I don't trust him. I'd like to be alone.
