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9:26 p.m. - January 13, 2004
A day like a hot air balloon: Up quickly, amazing view, a rapid descent when the fuel runs out

I call Ryan II after my session with Mean Therapist ended, said I'm on his side of the bay, let's hang out.

And he says: Can't. I'm walking in the door to a frat meeting. Mandatory. Can you wait for me?

Fraternity.

Why the hell am I dating this guy? Can we be any more diametrically opposed?

::::::::::::::

Tonight had a one-on-one session with the Mean Therapist. He and Dr. Indy have conferred; Mean Therapist wants to become my primary one-on-one therapist. We discussed reasons why, pros and cons, and I asked point blank why him, rather than Nice Therapist, and he laughed some, asked me to elaborate. I felt foolish and suckered into the therapist trap of Hmm, why do you think that? that gives me the creeps and fuels thoughts of I�m crazy or getting there. So why him? Because the two have noticed I respond better (better being like most liberals, utterly relative until it counts) with some pressure and while uncomfortable, yield results. Earlier I had asked him to avoid therapist-talk in favor of being direct; I had not anticipated he�d be as open and up front as to talk about strategies and pressure points and the positive yield of information gleaned from discomfort. I get what I ask for at times.

I'm going to try it.

So we talked about the things bothering me:

1) Being gay. Coming out. Gay relationships in light of (2)

2) Gay sex. My intimacy problems.

3) How I relate to people (or don't, pushing them away, etc)

4) My strange habits

5) Perfectionism, self-criticism, simultaneous fear of failure and perfection

4) The common thread: childhood sexual abuse. Duh.

I began to shut down halfway through and without thinking responded to a question with Because I'm running out of time and he inquired whether I was referring to suicide. Yes. I think about it all the time, something I've been afraid to admit here because it seems completely imbued with the high school woe-is-me mentality. But that's how I feel; I'm not making it and feel very scared that I'm no longer in control of anything.

Mean Therapist got real close and whispered I can help if you'll let me and I started to cry.

Even then, I don't trust him.

 

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