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9:26 p.m. - January 13, 2004
A day like a hot air balloon: Up quickly, amazing view, a rapid descent when the fuel runs out

I call Ryan II after my session with Mean Therapist ended, said I'm on his side of the bay, let's hang out.

And he says: Can't. I'm walking in the door to a frat meeting. Mandatory. Can you wait for me?

Fraternity.

Why the hell am I dating this guy? Can we be any more diametrically opposed?

::::::::::::::

Tonight had a one-on-one session with the Mean Therapist. He and Dr. Indy have conferred; Mean Therapist wants to become my primary one-on-one therapist. We discussed reasons why, pros and cons, and I asked point blank why him, rather than Nice Therapist, and he laughed some, asked me to elaborate. I felt foolish and suckered into the therapist trap of Hmm, why do you think that? that gives me the creeps and fuels thoughts of Im crazy or getting there. So why him? Because the two have noticed I respond better (better being like most liberals, utterly relative until it counts) with some pressure and while uncomfortable, yield results. Earlier I had asked him to avoid therapist-talk in favor of being direct; I had not anticipated hed be as open and up front as to talk about strategies and pressure points and the positive yield of information gleaned from discomfort. I get what I ask for at times.

I'm going to try it.

So we talked about the things bothering me:

1) Being gay. Coming out. Gay relationships in light of (2)

2) Gay sex. My intimacy problems.

3) How I relate to people (or don't, pushing them away, etc)

4) My strange habits

5) Perfectionism, self-criticism, simultaneous fear of failure and perfection

4) The common thread: childhood sexual abuse. Duh.

I began to shut down halfway through and without thinking responded to a question with Because I'm running out of time and he inquired whether I was referring to suicide. Yes. I think about it all the time, something I've been afraid to admit here because it seems completely imbued with the high school woe-is-me mentality. But that's how I feel; I'm not making it and feel very scared that I'm no longer in control of anything.

Mean Therapist got real close and whispered I can help if you'll let me and I started to cry.

Even then, I don't trust him.

 

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