5:12 p.m. - February 26, 2003
I think about this often but go in circles, reach no conclusions, see nothing clearer
Foot-in-mouth warning upfront: I don�t really know any gay guys. I was thinking about this today while writing an email to a guy who is gay (yeah, you, Tim) and I felt like I was writing a letter to some pen-pal in a foreign country. I didn�t know what to say and I felt awkward, just as awkward as when I encounter or work with gay men. Yes, yes, I know � there was the year and a half with Spec who hit me, and the guy who sucks me but neither counts in this assessment. I work with several gay men but our conversations are limited to work and as one says, I emit a distinctly unfriendly vibe and that (hopefully) throws off the gaydar thing. I�m worried what I�m saying next will come across as homophobic or just plain stupid, but when I think �gay man� I picture my sister�s friend, the one who contracted some kind of virus via putting his tongue you know where when (apparently) it was not clean � yeah, grimace � when you�re high on whatever drug�s popular at those dance clubs, one doesn�t care, it seems, and I think How friggin� nasty and I know this is the stereotype but it�s all I know.
There was one guy I started to get to know, a gay guy, who I liked as a person � he made me laugh � and I even went to his apartment twice to hang out but when one night he started talking about gay sex things changed. I pushed him away. I don�t understand that. I mean, Spec was � and damn, it�s hard to say even here, even now � I was in a relationship with Spec but I don�t equate what we did with being gay in the capital G sense. We weren�t nasty but everybody else is, or We weren�t in the clubs and flaming but everybody else is, a thousand variations. I suppose it�s denial or something akin. But the point is the same: I don�t know gay guys.
I don�t know if I want to, either; I feel utterly foreign, no different than watching a show on the Discovery Channel about Amsterdam�s Red Light district; it�s a million miles away, it isn�t me, there�s nothing there. I think I�d like to meet a normal gay guy and I laugh because as much as I say that I think well fuck, I�m not normal either. I know what it is; I look down on gay guys. I have a hard time thinking I�m the same as them. I�m not sex parties, multiple partners, diseases, fashion, dance clubs, high-pitched squeals, limp wrists, anonymous internet hookups; I�m a quiet guy who reads and listens to music and is usually na�ve. I'd rather have one great relationship than a perfect body, endless hookups, a lifetime supply of free lube. Living stereotypes but more than that, I won�t condone and accept behavior I feel is reprehensible. I just won�t and maybe that�s why I feel so distant. I judge. I don�t want to be like them, isn�t that what it comes down to? Yeah, there is the bisexual thing going on, too � and that�s another topic (in fact, the other day I remarked to Lori that I miss vagina sex before I realized what I said). You know what�s sad, other than these stereotypes and disgust that have reared their heads thus far? That I�m a misfit � uncomfortable with anything other than sitting here on the fence. I�m uncomfortable with sex, period, I think; I wasn�t always like this. I wonder why I am now. I�m a hypocrite.
I also think I�m jealous at the carefree who gives a fuck attitude. How did I become this uptight?
This entry has made no sense.
Why do I make everything difficult?
