2:21 p.m. - March 03, 2003
This one is about nothing at all except for minor reference to de-gaying programmers, of which I only briefly mention the idea because I'm unsure about the whole thing
I am supposed to be using my time conscientiously, to focus for an hour and a half on Book II in order to write well and speedily this evening but I'm having difficulty thinking. I close my eyes and rather than reviewing notes or lectures or reading or the nefarious To Do list and its cousin You Still Haven't Done This List, I begin to nod off and replay OMD songs - of all things! Anybody remember OMD? And I do not understand this onset of sleepiness, of nap desire, of a good book and a sun-warmed lawn and no shady tree because I want that sun on my face, and understand even less how my priorities have become subordinate to the needs of mental health. Since when is doing nothing - err, relaxation - allowed? I must get a grip but as I think that, I also allow a bit of relief to tinge and thus pervert my musing; I've felt great for more than a few days now and damn, I'm loving this.
But - can there ever not be one? - I have another book to write and I want to make an impression in April. Sheesh. As if one book isn't enough, the book people have waited for since forever it seems, the book that has thousands of pre-orders and a great website-in-development, the book that I came to hate with a passion isn't enough? It isn't; I want two books - or one and a half - because I want to be the star, of all silly things. That's obfuscation; what I really want is to have something to show for my time because really, I don't. Head games, these. You know, cover up the sound of a poorly talented clarinetist who is ruining the symphony by redoubling the strings. Or something like that; if I know anything at all about music, it's that I know nothing about it.
Something on my mind - multiples - like war (Please, just get it over with so I can fill up with cheap gas once again) and real estate and taxes and capital gains and don't forget the property tax due now. And the water bill, don't forget that - as if I could or would, but you know. There's a few groups out there who are in the business of curing guys who may be or are attracted to other guys and while I'm unsure of where exactly I fall on the spectrum, I have to admit the appeal. I checked out one whose "cure" is to encourage men to play sports, to be more manly and I don't know, grunt more often, but that didn't ring true to me because I do not prance and am not afraid of either the water or a baseball; I found another that seems okay at first, second, and third glance but I'm unsure whether it even applies to me - see, this denial thing - because I don't - I don't know. I don't lust after men, I don't want to kiss men or be close to them the way I prefer being with woman and maybe that's the key, the preference. Yet I think it depends on the guy; if something clicks, then I'd be attracted. Does that make sense? Anyway, I'm curious but don't want to send off for information. I need some open minds on this one and I'm unsure whether mine is open or closed at this point.
So that's on my mind and I'm now wondering what's happened to my writing skills. They're bottoming out.
Thanks, all, for marking my Guest Map. Special thanks to Bathsheba who put her real name down - Emilee - so now I'm wondering if I need continue with nicknames. While some are stubborn and haven't marked - Tim, the Australian chick, the New Zealander - I'm feeling magnanimous and bear you no ill will.
You know what it is? I'm feeling chatty and I have my pick of let's see.... zero people here at the moment. Must find someone. I wonder why this is?
Such a beautiful, beautiful day.
