10:10 a.m. - March 22, 2003
When he's out of the shower we're going to the nursery for the pergola and everything else - honeysuckle, bougainvillea, whatever else appeals - and Spec is going to meet my father since we're going over there so I can borrow the truck. Pitter-patter nervousness abounds.
My thoughts are ill-formed this morning and I'm thinking about sex - so far, no problems - and fleshing out impressions of this hierarchic pro forma between Spec and myself, wondering if it's my imagination or something more. He's a year older than I, but you'd think I was a child and he was the adult if you could hear him talking to me sometimes, as if I don't see things clearly and need them explained or described. But is that just him, is it him with me, or is it just me?
I think I established this hierarchy of sorts when I looked up to him, overwhelmed by this guy so far beyond my league wanting me, coinciding with his desire (need?) for dominance. I deferred to him physically, emotionally, and sexually out of na´vetÚ when I couldn't tell you what was up and what was down, but I knew I liked it. Oh - momentary clarity - Spec would have to push me into doing things way back when and I'd resist but the more he'd prod, I'd eventually give in - and maybe we're still in that mindset?
Or maybe I don't get it.
Better get going.