12:46 p.m. - November 20, 2003
Am I erroneous to assume her problems were greater than my own or that she was weaker in dealing with them? And again, after *George from the support group committed suicide, am I digging myself out of an hourglass only to have it righted and may one day be compelled - realize - to give up when all that work counts for naught and the spade is too heavy to lift?
And I feel guilty over an unrelated nexus: The department is funding my return to school next quarter. People want me. People like me. I may be (or want to be) oblivious and cold but there are those who believe in me even if I don't. And maybe that's in the back of my mind, some version of a holographic safety net I don't fully trust, and maybe she didn't have that and ran out of energy fighting. I worry about what happens when mine dissipates or I push hard enough and it goes away.