7:34 p.m. - December 14, 2002
Fratricide is a crime whether physical or mental
My brother flew in this morning as a surprise for mom and as an outstretched hand for me and of course I gave him what he needs.
It is difficult not to envy my brother. That is inaccurate; it is difficult to accept that I am envious, a fait accompli, that's the way it is, c'est fini. I suppose I'm envious of the ease with which he interacts with the rest of the family, how little effort he must expound to be close. I am ashamed to admit that it hurts, especially when it is announced that the entire family will attend his graduation in May, six years after he began. That hurts especially because that is what I wanted for myself, for my family to put aside its differences and watch me graduate or at least attend the pre-graduation ceremonies, see me present my honors theses. I remember that right up to the ceremony I hoped, just like someone running after the ice-cream man who blithely turns the corner.
But I am happy for him, glad he will finish up. I've never worried about him dropping out of school but I've wondered how many more tuition payments I would make. After putting him through school, I realize my children are going to have to forage for themselves because it is one headache after another. Six years, one major (biochemistry), zero ambition one day, graduate school the next. I think that's healthy and encourage him to waffle; his graduation gift will be the ticket to Spain in June and my sister will get a EuroRail pass so he can explore.
You know, I don't understand me, why I'm jealous and envious of my own brother. It's pathetic and shameful and so damn little.
I don't like being this way.
