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5:12 p.m. - January 28, 2004 A triumph! Immediately afterward I began moving away (to the shower! To the shower!) and he grinned, wouldn�t pull out. In no time he was up again and round two was even better than the first but the best part is hard to explain � he wasn�t there just for him, but for me, too. I don�t think I�ve really had that before and I�ve been mulling about it all day. With Spec, it was mostly, for lack of a more articulate description, rough, not in terms of my own reaction but that of the sex act. My pleasure derived from his being pleased and from being next to him during the afterglow, and similarly both Eli and Ryan I had their own me-first agendas, one that satisfied me on one level but not another. Sharing this experience with Ryan II has turned my expectations upside down. Men amuse me. He was surprised � positively � when I unzipped my dirty mouth and I laughed at his reaction. I hadn�t talked to him like that before and he loved it. I suppose all guys do � I�m no exception � and I liked surprising him. I like surprising myself. And then I went to class and met Courtney, a candidate in Philosophy. We chatted about our programs and hit it off after she made a snide remark about science and I concurred, mentioned I missed my humanities background and we were up and running after that. She�s not the only one that can dissect Kristeva en fran�ais. Thoroughly beyond my league but we exchanged numbers and I know she�s single. Great discussion in each class and I�m beginning to feel at home again even if I don�t ride a bicycle. And throughout the day I�ve thought about Spec and feel that loss, feel angry at feeling this way. The spaces between our contact are growing and our conversations more strained, and I think about that time he signed to me at Union Station and the promises I made to myself to get away from him but wanting him to run with me, the ones I broke because I didn�t really know what I wanted. I know Ryan II is not Spec but deep down I�m not wholly convinced. I worry that in each of us there is that propensity to hit and yell and use, and I don�t want to be walked on again. I�m not standing up for myself the way I thought I would by now. And yet things are different.
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