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5:12 p.m. - January 28, 2004
Morning sex with Ryan II, thoughts of Spec creep in
Early this morning I prodded Ryan II awake and later went off to class with a sore bum. Yes, that is correct: The string of failed coital endeavors has finally been interrupted by a guy who knows what heís doing as well as interested in the well-being of his partner. Now thatís a novel experience for me.

A triumph!

Immediately afterward I began moving away (to the shower! To the shower!) and he grinned, wouldnít pull out. In no time he was up again and round two was even better than the first but the best part is hard to explain Ė he wasnít there just for him, but for me, too. I donít think Iíve really had that before and Iíve been mulling about it all day. With Spec, it was mostly, for lack of a more articulate description, rough, not in terms of my own reaction but that of the sex act. My pleasure derived from his being pleased and from being next to him during the afterglow, and similarly both Eli and Ryan I had their own me-first agendas, one that satisfied me on one level but not another. Sharing this experience with Ryan II has turned my expectations upside down.

Men amuse me. He was surprised Ė positively Ė when I unzipped my dirty mouth and I laughed at his reaction. I hadnít talked to him like that before and he loved it. I suppose all guys do Ė Iím no exception Ė and I liked surprising him. I like surprising myself.

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And then I went to class and met Courtney, a candidate in Philosophy. We chatted about our programs and hit it off after she made a snide remark about science and I concurred, mentioned I missed my humanities background and we were up and running after that. Sheís not the only one that can dissect Kristeva en franÁais. Thoroughly beyond my league but we exchanged numbers and I know sheís single.

Great discussion in each class and Iím beginning to feel at home again even if I donít ride a bicycle.

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And throughout the day Iíve thought about Spec and feel that loss, feel angry at feeling this way. The spaces between our contact are growing and our conversations more strained, and I think about that time he signed to me at Union Station and the promises I made to myself to get away from him but wanting him to run with me, the ones I broke because I didnít really know what I wanted.

I know Ryan II is not Spec but deep down Iím not wholly convinced. I worry that in each of us there is that propensity to hit and yell and use, and I donít want to be walked on again. Iím not standing up for myself the way I thought I would by now.

And yet things are different.

 

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