6:44 p.m. - February 19, 2003
There's got to be something worth the hassle
Vehicle is being attended to by mechanics and I�m home, unproductive and bored. The mechanics say it�s a converter thing [mysterious mumbo-jumbo about [unknown] near the catalytic converter (I think)] and that it�ll be ready tomorrow morning, around 10:00 a.m. I didn�t ask if it was expensive. I said OK. I don�t know much about vehicles, I admit; never spent time under one in greasy overalls and holding up spark plugs against the light, never dismantled and reassembled the engine with original parts buffed to a shine. No, I just begged rides from people until I had discovered the practical benefits of having girlfriends with cars and managed until I got my own vehicle later on.
And since I�m transportation-less in the morning, I called the agency and told them I�m taking Thursday off. Any excuse for a mini-vacation and Carolyn laughed, saying So that�s how you always end up smiling and I demurred; then she said I could afford to take a day off last minute since she spent her lunch hour signing checks and I have a hefty one coming my way and thus, I am guilt- and desperation-free.
So tomorrow I sleep in!
And Friday I leave for Mendocino and the three-cottage-enclave on the bluff; a cottage-and-breakfast deal and I will be the only occupant with the owners somewhere else and now I�m unsure of why exactly I wanted to go, but go I shall. And I�m not going to bring the laptop (why did I ever buy the damn thing?) and instead will write longhand. I want to ask Spec along but mum�s the word. He may as well come along since I�ll be thinking about him but I want to be alone. That�s untrue; I don�t really want to be alone � if that�s what I wanted, I could stay home � but what I crave is the drive. And I�m hoping for a storm.
Been digesting � ruminating, obsessing � Monday�s events with little satisfaction. Being generally pessimistic, most of the things I�m thinking aren�t uplifting, but I�m frustrated and unhappy. I still don�t know what triggered my reaction � none of the previous episodes were ever like this � and the overriding feeling I have is that I�m never going to be genuinely intimate if I have to be on guard against � against what exactly? It�s an uncontrollable and sudden fear and panic, outright terror, or nausea sometimes, and I shake and I want to flee � and hide, kind of � and I can�t calm down. Monday, I don�t know what happened; one minute I was enjoying what we were doing and the next was screaming and I don�t remember it but I can recall Spec�s reaction, he tried to shush me and then he held me and kept saying it�s okay, it�s okay, I�m here for you but I couldn�t stop and then he started to cry and said he couldn�t take it. When he left I took a shower and scrubbed and scrubbed, used up all the hot water, then filled the tub with what was left and only then could I calm down and breathe. Usually this happens/ed � I don�t know what to call this problem � when Spec was inside me but Monday, we hadn�t even done that. You know what I�m thinking most about? If I am gay and react adversely to gay sex, that doesn�t bode well for relationships. To desire but can�t have, to fantasize but can�t experience. Is this how it�s to be?
In a safe environment with somebody I trust and seeing my (gay) fantasy in vivo and enjoying the sensual, enjoying the closeness with Spec, feeling so good and comfortable, I couldn�t handle it. And this was an ideal situation.
It�s very lonelymaking.
Spec hasn�t called or come by and I don�t know where he�s staying and if he�s smart, he�ll stay away and yeah, it hurts, but it�s for the better. Or something like that.
What I hate most of all is this lack of control.
