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10:47 a.m. - January 31, 2004
Is it risky to draw parallels between then and now, or obtuse when one doesn't?
Yesterday had a session with the Mean Therapist during which we talked about manifestations of abuse, whether emotional, physical, or sexual. It was a good discussion though distanced, since I prefer talking about these issues from a theoretical or intellectualized framework rather than engaging in self-application exclusively. Comparing Dr. Indy with the Mean Therapist, I realize talking about these issues to a man is fundamentally more difficult than to a woman and I preferred to talk in generalities and maintained a them, not me attitude. I am uncomfortable saying Iíve experienced an abusive relationship principally, I think, because admitting so is emasculating and says something unfavorable about me: I was a pussy, a half-man, a clinger, scared, couldnít stand up for myself. It bothers me excessively where I still find ways to discount the problems Spec and I had Ė see, Iíve just done it Ė because the woe-is-me-Ií-ve-been-abused[wail, wrist against forehead, trembling lips, ruined life, an excuse proffered before, during, after any and all] mentality is embarrassing, too intertwined in archetypical notions of roles and dualities in which celebrating victimization has become a pastime.

I refrained from writing about (most of) it here or when I did I privated those entries, similar to filing away the things I avoid thinking about. But I think it is becoming more important now than before that I do reflect on the whys and howcomes. For a long time Iíve been in stasis over the direction in which I desire my life to go, holding the reins too close, and I see again this indecision and fear of the unknown influencing the way I handle myself with Ryan II. Is it that I truly do not want a relationship with him/anybody, or with a man/woman, or is it that I distrust my reactions, impressions, and emotions towards another? Fresh on my mind because last night Ryan II and I got into an argument and he began yelling at me and frankly, this disturbed me primarily because thatís how Spec began being coercive. And how easy to point to previous experience from a contemporary episode and say See! I need to beware, even if this may not be wholly valid or called for.

He wanted me to go with him to a restaurant where a group of his friends were celebrating somebodyís birthday, and I declined [editorís note: Categorically refused]. He pressed me for a good reason and I lobbed the standbys: Donít feel comfortable with people knowing Iím with a guy; donít feel comfortable in crowds of strangers; you know the drill. And inside it has more to do with being unattractive and awkward, wanting to avoid identifying myself with a group of gay guys. I donít mind being gay in private as long as itís only me and ___ who know, but that comfort disappears as soon as a third or more know. So I didnít go and he did Ė and his injury stemmed largely from my nonchalance that he went without me. He came over afterwards and we talked and cuddled and called it a night.

In truth? The image of a table of 22-year-old gay prettyboys makes my skin crawl.

 

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