10:11 p.m. - June 08, 2003
Intentions, intentions on the wall, who's the fairest gender of them all?
When it comes to life, we spin our own yarn, and where we end up is really, in fact, where we always intended to be. - Anna, Three Junes
On Magnifika�s stalwart advice I picked up Julua Glass� Three Junes and instead of ticking off each item on my To Do list I read and wrote old-fashioned pen-and-ink letters. A novel and four letters later, I proclaim an excellent weekend overall.
Anna�s words above have stuck with me since completing the book, hovering like a miasma as I did laundry, dusted, and made sure each window has a dowel in place to prevent unauthorized entrance while I�m away. Amateurish to engage in self-deconstruction based upon the words proffered by another, similar to baring one�s soul on television only to find the audience bored with your revelations because your slot followed the titillating polyamorous cadre or yet another abused childhood so when Ricki Lake pronounces Such a shame, such a shame! one takes her words to heart with fervor and validation, but the basic need for reflection remains the same. Unabashedly unoriginal, always.
I�m lonely because that�s what I want, isn�t that right? Let�s face it, I�m solitary because I don�t trust people and being honest, it�s what I prefer because I�m afraid of people. When I meet new people I have little intention of formulating something deeper, always seeking the way out and a return to the predictable solitude that I�ve made my own. I can teach, conduct trainings, stand before hundreds of people and not be bothered at all because the anonymity and distance precludes infringement upon my security, my plan. When a stray individual ventures close I feel the desire to open the door, I yearn to feel the sap the same way maples yearn for the spring thaw, yet despite appearances or immediate wants, it is not my intention to alter the course. That�s what Anna means, highlighting the inexorable contradiction between What I think I want and What I really want.
So I�ve reflected on this lil� bit o�preference exploration and really, it�s obvious to all but me: I have no intentions to follow through. My intentions are solitude and I would think it�s the overriding schema that requires alteration before turning to intentions as demonstrated; intentions are merely the foot-soldiers of the man on the horse waving his saber. I think for someone like me it�s better to be solitary yet have good friends here and there because the struggle to be otherwise is just that � too much and too against the grain. Maybe I shouldn�t be struggling so hard; what is the point and use of exploring the homosexual mystery if I already know I don�t want its fruition? I meet gay guys and with some, have had gay sex and most of the time I am no more really turned on than when I am with a woman. It hasn�t clicked, I�ve received no sensory indication that I�ve found my calling. I want to say I�m trying too hard and it�s pointless, senseless, especially when those intentions aren�t already laid out. Maybe it�s better to fantasize about men occasionally and leave it at that and just be myself, by myself, and return to that which I can trust, simply because they can�t hurt me the way a man can. And maybe it�s wrong to fantasize about men while being with a woman and having children, but as long as I didn�t act on it, is it so heinous?
That seems also like a pat, dour, pointless conclusion to draw as well. I admit I want, I crave, but I don�t intend to settle for the pale shadow on the wall.
