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8:07 a.m. - May 21, 2003
Just me and my fucked up head
It seems to me more than a little pathetic to write him an email and try to explain, take it back, this weakness highlighted further because I still cannot articulate what was going through my mind last night. I thought that acknowledging this part of me a bit more straightforwardly would

Fuck it.

Take II

Iím not going anywhere on this plateau-cum-rut and while I didnít announce a binding or directional vision or intent, I decided to see what would avail and I was caught off guard by how simple, how uncomplicated, it is to interact with gay men and say in that quiet voice, Me, too though more often than not I simply nod my head. I dislike saying it, you know? Iím bothered by how seamless integrating Ė activating? Ė this side of me has become; I am far less hostile now than I was a few months ago, a year ago, yet each opportunity has me closing the doors and running off. How benign an in-person date followed by telephone conversations, how surprising it is to me to have a gay man list attractive qualities in me Ė Iím puzzled, doubtful, but thereís a tiny revolution nonetheless deep down in the machineworks Ė everything hinging on honesty when asked or not asked the question. This plateau is broad and for no reason at all I feel threatened by attention, more threatened by my own fledgling acceptance, threatened when I donít withdraw my hand, threatened when I say I donít kiss guys but want to.

I think itís best to be alone given the circumstances. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? These are my circumstances: People Ė guys Ė some guys Ė find me attractive and interesting despite this ugliness shroud I wear complete with rebuffing personality Ė and is it too difficult, too impossible, to conceive of possibility? If anything, my circumstances suggest otherwise but there I go again, scurrying off to find a crevice to hide in.

I would think I was playing games but thatís not me. I taste and enjoy, then return to the quotidian. Like having a sip or two of champagne, never a complete flute for me.

I smile my sad smile when I think Iím doomed.

 

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