6:46 a.m. - January 16, 2004
He brings pajamas, a flannel top and bottom and I had to laugh some and he said What did you expect? so we cuddled and talked and watched X-Men 2. Every conversation, I feel like I'm running out of things to say; he doesn't read anything non-school related and now that he's not in school, that means nada, he doesn't speak any other languages, politics bore him, and I'm struggling. Sure, he's got nice pecs and a nice smile I like, but there's got to be more something so I told him what I was thinking. He turned his head and said, Jason, try to be right now and we talked about childhoods and cooking and jobs and the economy and trusting people and it was a great conversation.
We ended up - I never know what to say; is it sex if it's just head? A question for another entry - and later we went to sleep. Had a bad dream that woke him up and I tried to control it and I felt stupid when he watched me. He was awkward, uncertain - of course - and I was a mess so I made him go home.
I think I scared him.
Talk about slamming the brakes.
This is how it is: Attracted to guys but just can't have them close.