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7:34 a.m. - May 08, 2003 There are two discussion leaders and without fail they will address me directly, Jason, what do you think about what ___ said? and how do I say I�ve thought about dangling prepositions, socio-economic influences on language, the number of times my streetlight has flickered. I suspect I don�t want to know these men, don�t want to know their stories and insight; I don�t want them to know me, know my weaknesses. And yet I do, I desire to be part of this pathological community. Part of our responsibility (I avoid the term treatment, grin) is inviting one or two people to listen to our stories, people we trust or want to trust. I know this journal and those who read it don�t count; I don�t believe � yet? � that by unloading or exposing myself I�ll find some comfort. In short, I don�t believe that given the opportunity, people will not hurt me. Further, I�ve talked about it often enough here to make me cringe, though perhaps I cringe for the wrong reasons. I don�t know. I tell myself don�t quit this program, don�t find excuses to bail, don�t run because somewhere I might � I resist saying find an answer, a solution, a tabula rasa because well, that�s silly. I can wait for an epiphany forever; I�ve been doing it since I was a child, but what happens when that child becomes an adult and still waits? I guess I don�t need to ask; I know the answer, or my answer at least, and those of us in this program. I�m not feeling too great this morning.
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