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9:51 p.m. - October 06, 2003 I was thinking about that this afternoon while driving home. Tonight I ate a peach, talked to Rob about his mini-crisis of faith and my own struggles of reconciling wants and realities, turned off the lights and turned up the speakers. Right now I�m watching the lights from planes far overhead aiming towards San Francisco I think, or perhaps somewhere over the bay to my west they turn north or south to Oakland or San Jose. Between planes there�s an indigo sky and I�m encapsulated on the ground the same way those intrepid travelers are above, coming home after a trip or beginning a new one, except that in my bubble there isn�t an announcement reminding visitors to buckle seat belts. Ryan will be a hockey buddy and ideally I will not feel awkward when we are just friends and spending time together; I will forget we�ve been intimate and all will be well. Exit Ryan not immediately, but inevitably. Between Spec and Eli then, and I scoff because I know too well I�d rather be with someone I know instead of waiting for the real Eli to come out. How sad that makes me to recognize I trust myself so little and others not at all to suspect motives and reject interest in me out of hand as misguided and malevolent. I miss my grandfather, miss the way he�d say how proud of me he was because no matter what I ended up doing, I�d excel. Is it wrong to be glad then, that he�s not around to see the mess now? When I feel happy I feel guilty and sabotage myself so I quickly slide back into that familiar muck. I am amazed at times to know everybody is not this way and that somewhere, there exists choice and determination and a patina of success that deepens the longer it�s exposed.
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