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9:51 p.m. - October 06, 2003
Precipitous evenings are conducive to next-day organization
Earlier this year I did the groundwork necessary to establish a scholarship named after my grandfather at my alma mater, for a student studying urban environmental design. While I've seeded some money into the fund already, the bulk will be derived from the royalties from my first two books and thus the first award is scheduled for 2005. This morning I decided to add my refund from the IRS and if I continue to supplement through February, a disbursement will be ready in the fall of 2004. This afternoon I wrote a letter to my grandmother letting her know, and I hope shell be pleased. Undoubtedly she will lecture me on the importance of saving away and then remember shes speaking to Jason and not my brother Jeff, and end up laughing because I was always stubborn anyways. And when she admonishes me for not spending the money on something for myself, Ill be quiet for a moment and let it pass, but Ill end up thinking about what she says and why it is my long-term plans dont include me.

I was thinking about that this afternoon while driving home.

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Tonight I ate a peach, talked to Rob about his mini-crisis of faith and my own struggles of reconciling wants and realities, turned off the lights and turned up the speakers. Right now Im watching the lights from planes far overhead aiming towards San Francisco I think, or perhaps somewhere over the bay to my west they turn north or south to Oakland or San Jose. Between planes theres an indigo sky and Im encapsulated on the ground the same way those intrepid travelers are above, coming home after a trip or beginning a new one, except that in my bubble there isnt an announcement reminding visitors to buckle seat belts.

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Ryan will be a hockey buddy and ideally I will not feel awkward when we are just friends and spending time together; I will forget weve been intimate and all will be well. Exit Ryan not immediately, but inevitably.

Between Spec and Eli then, and I scoff because I know too well Id rather be with someone I know instead of waiting for the real Eli to come out. How sad that makes me to recognize I trust myself so little and others not at all to suspect motives and reject interest in me out of hand as misguided and malevolent.

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I miss my grandfather, miss the way hed say how proud of me he was because no matter what I ended up doing, Id excel. Is it wrong to be glad then, that hes not around to see the mess now?

When I feel happy I feel guilty and sabotage myself so I quickly slide back into that familiar muck. I am amazed at times to know everybody is not this way and that somewhere, there exists choice and determination and a patina of success that deepens the longer its exposed.

 

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