8:17 p.m. - August 11, 2003
I'm at a loss though to understand why sometimes I'd want to bottom and then when it was time, I'd panic and have that awful response. Spec never knows (knew?) what to do or the whys and hows, and I don't either. I can give head and get off on it - literally, off - but touch my ass with a finger or a cock, and it's either a downer like Hiroshima or that inner slut comes out but there's no warning which response will be activated. I want what they call a healthy sex life or far more basic, a healthy sexual ideation where I can say what I want, try what I like, and not have to worry before, during, and after. I want to laugh and enjoy and cherish life, you know? And I don't, I can't, at least not yet.
I feel safe sleeping next to him but things won't be well with me until I can carry that safety alone. Most days I don't believe this will ever happen.
On others, I do, brief moments that come and go like kayakers in the mist - you hear them, know they're there, but don't know for sure. That's how it feels far too often.