9:00 a.m. - June 11, 2003
Confession? Stating the obvious?
I talked on the phone for a while last night with T. and while I wasnít cold Ė or deliberately hostile Ė I wasnít the most inviting, either. I can think of no better word than confused about this one-day-variance from my plat quotidienne. [Editorís note: How obnoxious to italicize les bon mots franÁais, eh?] Monday was a mistake and I donít say that while thrashing a cat-o-nine-tails across my back; it was a mistake in that I donít know how to respond to, or feel comfortable with, the aftermath. Each time I do this Iím losing ground, tumbling lower on the evolutionary chain and before I know it, Iíll be no further removed than monkeys and their innocent sexual proclivities, the ones so easily mirrored within this so-called gay culture. I for one like the social constructs of chasteness and responsibility and monogamy and the big one called get-to-know-the-person-before-being-intimate. While talking to him I felt disgusted with myself because there is utterly no attraction at all; the more he talked about the properties of the Scorpio (my sign) and his (uhÖ Gemeni, I think) I could only shake my head and feel nasty. The guy is not as intelligent or compelling or exciting or dizzying as I thought him to be Monday and I feel Iíve let myself down.
What bothers me most is that it seems I have to play the game following the rules as established if Iím going to get anywhere and thatís something I just donít want to do. I want to meet someone, explore the intellectual and emotional properties before vesting in the physical instead of doing things the other way around. Everything my way and Iím not oblivious enough to not recognize the world doesnít operate in this manner.
Iím terribly immature, something I try to hide, and emotionally retarded, something else I try to hide. So why show people these parts of me, why not simply take the hedonism route? Iíve always liked a challenge, perhaps, or Iím simply a misfit. An uptight misfit with layers and layers of insecurities sexual, physical, and mental. I should emulate the Medieval eraís take on lepers: Wear a shroud and jangle a little bell whenever someone comes near to ward him off.
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