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9:00 a.m. - June 11, 2003
Confession? Stating the obvious?
I talked on the phone for a while last night with T. and while I wasn�t cold � or deliberately hostile � I wasn�t the most inviting, either. I can think of no better word than confused about this one-day-variance from my plat quotidienne. [Editor�s note: How obnoxious to italicize les bon mots fran�ais, eh?] Monday was a mistake and I don�t say that while thrashing a cat-o-nine-tails across my back; it was a mistake in that I don�t know how to respond to, or feel comfortable with, the aftermath. Each time I do this I�m losing ground, tumbling lower on the evolutionary chain and before I know it, I�ll be no further removed than monkeys and their innocent sexual proclivities, the ones so easily mirrored within this so-called gay culture. I for one like the social constructs of chasteness and responsibility and monogamy and the big one called get-to-know-the-person-before-being-intimate. While talking to him I felt disgusted with myself because there is utterly no attraction at all; the more he talked about the properties of the Scorpio (my sign) and his (uh� Gemeni, I think) I could only shake my head and feel nasty. The guy is not as intelligent or compelling or exciting or dizzying as I thought him to be Monday and I feel I�ve let myself down.

What bothers me most is that it seems I have to play the game following the rules as established if I�m going to get anywhere and that�s something I just don�t want to do. I want to meet someone, explore the intellectual and emotional properties before vesting in the physical instead of doing things the other way around. Everything my way and I�m not oblivious enough to not recognize the world doesn�t operate in this manner.

I�m terribly immature, something I try to hide, and emotionally retarded, something else I try to hide. So why show people these parts of me, why not simply take the hedonism route? I�ve always liked a challenge, perhaps, or I�m simply a misfit. An uptight misfit with layers and layers of insecurities sexual, physical, and mental. I should emulate the Medieval era�s take on lepers: Wear a shroud and jangle a little bell whenever someone comes near to ward him off.

 

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