3:22 p.m. - August 26, 2003
Eli's latest email. I'm going to call him, I think
He's not the most eloquent writer - no, no, Jason. Resist. Resist! Eli's sent a handful of emails these past few days and they make me feel both good and irritated. I don't know why it's irritated unless due to a guilty conscience.
Hello my sweet Jason. I'd like you to know what I think: "Hello, are you home? Are you there? I'm trying to get to know you, and hopefully fall in love with you. Open the door. let me in. Try this ride, you might like it."
I think, you might be scared to get hurt, or to fall in love, or be loved. I don't know which one or combination. I also wondered, if you are trying to push me away. I don't think so, or would hope otherwise.
Bottom line, forget what I said or how I said it. I am not, and have never been really good at explaining myself. I do want to get to know you, who knows what I will accept. I am very patient person, and extremely flexible (especially when I fall in love). Remember that night that I first told you "That it would be easy for me to fall in love with you," I still mean that. I also know that you are a hopeless romantic as I am, and I don't know if you've ever experienced no holds barred love. I would love to demonstrate that to you, if given the chance. I have so much love to offer the right guy. Gees, I am really going after you, I'm sure that you can notice. I have been thinking about you all day. What does that say, hmmm?. I am just asking to let me continue to get to know you, and we will see what happens. I am again, willing to just concentrate on you exclusively. I am really, really, really, really, interested in you. I know what I want. I want to get to know you, all of you. I would even like to hopefully fall in love with you. I was just asking for your understanding of my needs to get to know you. I understand yours. Isn't that a beginning - We both understand each others needs and if we are both interested in each other then, we would be willing to go the extra mile for each other to accommodate the others needs? It would be meeting you 1/2 way. Kinda fair, I think. I am not trying to change you or you me.
Lets start over, and see where it goes. I so enjoy being near you, we get along so well.
Meet me 1/2 way. Say yes and mean it.
He says such nice things and they make me smile but everything seems impractical. I wish I could see what he sees, you know? I worry he could be like Spec, attracted to the naive, shy type because it's a power trip. Eli is Leave it to Beaver sincerity versus my own emotional Daria-esque cynicism. Sometimes he goes to gay dance clubs and this bothers me. He's out to everybody and already talked about going to Florida to meet his mother and family and I cringe just thinking about meeting people who would know. I talk myself in circles.
Just call him. Doing so is not a defeat of principles or an acknowledgment of need. It's just a phone call to say hey.
Wasn't life less complicated before I met Spec?
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