5:03 p.m. - February 20, 2003
Random thoughts from the pit
Barbara-the-Editor operates on the emotional spectrum of Love and Hate; today she was sweetly cajoling, no hint of annoyance or impatience, only concern that I seem to be slipping away and how cruel that was for her to point out, cruel because it merely confirms what is beginning to occupy my thoughts � somehow I�m becoming even more anti-social than what I consider normal. It�s not that I dislike people, or fear them, find them unpalatable; it�s that I find I have nothing to say, struggle to maintain conversations that bore me immediately. I�m thinking there�s a correlation between this anti-socialism (heee, get the pun? Sorry, Floodtide; I can poke fun because I idealized the ISO a long time ago and it�s like having a token fill-in-the-blank friend and telling unwholesome fill-in-the-blank jokes. I abjure myself.) and the Woe Is Me establishment�s favored cause, Self-Esteem. I�m retreating into myself and I�m unsure whether it�s to nurse wounds � what wounds, though � and rejuvenate, or is there a deeper motivation, the instinct animals obey when it�s time to curl up and die? Not that I�m thinking or planning (the term is ideation) outwardly but sometimes I wonder. It�s fruitless.
Occasionally I turn about and challenge this swirl of madness; today I accepted an invitation to a James Taylor concert in Washington, D.C. in June. Marti � you remember her, don�t you, from last summer? � sent me an IM confirming salary for this summer�s session (a hefty raise, yay me) and lacking a segue, asked if I�d be interested in going with her to see Mr. Taylor and I considered the pros and cons � more cons than pros, the weightiest con being having to make pre-music conversation, but then I can always recite French poetry this time and make her wet again � and said Yes. Summer plans are coming along well though I still do not know what courses I will teach; Marti will find documentation giving me a hint. My Dean said she�s putting together �something fun� but wouldn�t elaborate; it is not in me to argue with a Dean about my need for absolutely no surprises without coming across as being unprofessional and not atop all things. I would love to teach literature but alas! that is another department; I will likely have some form of child language development, bilingualism, language pedagogy unless I�m thrown for a loop and end up with something hideous like social dynamics of language or Intro to Linguistics but regardless, I will enjoy my summer. I�m not a fan of being in the dark regarding myself but given that I�m dealing with a consortium of universities, Deans, and originating bursars, I�ll sit tight. Reminded Marti that I want housing in-city and preferably near the university or in Adams-Morgan and I think I could hear her snort from D.C. We shall see.
Meandering paragraph to say I accepted an invitation and 1 point for Jason.
Spec says he�s coming over and I haven�t decided how I feel about this. When he called during his lunch we argued over nothing when I informed him that I�ve planned to go away this weekend � and yes, I admit, I realize I told him this to dig and recall I�ve never claimed to be mature � and he�s convinced I�m seeing somebody else. He doesn�t understand that it�s better for us to tread separate paths even though we have strong emotions � and that was a cop-out; I dislike saying here I love him but I do, but I love myself more and Jesus, that sounds awful, contrite, and like I�ve ingested far too much Ricki Lake today � but you know me; I have little Withstand Ability, especially when he�s standing next to me. I can tell he is irritated and that�s the part of him I dislike the most and I know me: As I�ll try to avoid setting him off, he�ll become angry. I�ve never understood people who hit and those who take it, haven�t watched enough Cops bad boys bad boys whatcha gonna do when they come for you or Court TV I cut off his penis because he slapped me and I couldn�t take it any longer to get a feel for the matter, but I recognize I exacerbate things. And when I bring it up, Spec, you have a hitting problem it goes over as well as things would if he were to say, Jason, you have a sex problem. How do people in our situation talk about it without being bitter, defensive, and accusatory? I can�t think of how, not a single idea. I don�t feel � never have � Spec�s equal, never felt I deserved him. And that does something to a person. I resent him unfairly, feel sometimes that he converted me and disrupted all my plans, but just as that�s both immature and exculpatory, it�s potent. Yet this is balanced by emotions and feelings that I would not ever give up or take back, but just because I�ve enjoyed the treats of the candy store, it doesn�t mean I should set camp in the alley behind. I wonder if he hits because he�s picked up on the way I feel not his equal. I don�t know. I can also recognize a fear that I won�t ever find a guy with whom I can experience the fullness of a relationship. It�s all a mess.
Sign the guestbook; I�m feeling needy.
Grimace.
