11:26 a.m. - May 11, 2003
The next time I say Go Away be stubborn
I walked out of church this morning. �Walked out� is too forceful and suggests stratagem or passion, neither of which I evidenced. I left church this morning because I felt just plain bad when the associate pastor�s message on purity of spirit referenced homosexuality to highlight the chasm between the unspoiled and filth. I sat there feeling defeated as if I brandished a scarlet G on my forehead and again wondered can anybody tell? As with most facets of my life, I�m struggling to reconcile two features that don�t easily align in a complementary pattern. I don�t believe Christianity is inherently opposed to homosexuality but is opposed to the lifestyle � sophistry alert, eh? I scoff but this is what I think and I know that my Christianity is opposed to homosexuality, period. Will I achieve any type of balance?
Theologically, I�m a conservative Christian; I attend an evangelical church you�d likely think was fundamentalist in scope and mission � it�s not � but it�s a far cry from the live-and-let live Lutheran and Presbyterian varieties. In my Christianity homosexuality is a sin and while all sin is sin, it�s a capital-S sin; it is depravity and hyper-focused on the pleasure of the body, inherently destructive, a symptom of destroyed childhoods and families. And I believe this. And I also believe that not every gay man is like that, their visages obscured by the scrim of the Media Homosexual Lifestyle; I believe, I have to, that there are gay men able to have long-term, healthy relationships, be a force for good. I�m a fool for believing that, but I try.
It is growing more difficult to straddle the fence. Extending my hands on either side I can only grasp so much yet see what I�m unable to obtain. I won�t be a satisfied Christian, I won�t be a content gay man. An either / or perspective loses too much.
All this makes me wonder if the key is to renounce gay sex and relationships, like Andy. Such a postulation makes me snicker because I think of how difficult it is for me to engage in sexual intimacy with men, ergo just don�t do it and I can diminish the conflict, yet it doesn�t address the sheer want I have, the one causing all these worries.
I cried while driving home.
I�m not embarrassed to admit that I cry because I never could up until last year. Perhaps one of the better lessons learned from Spec, that I�m not wholly immune to emotion.
Compiling classical music CDs for Bathsheba, heavily biased towards my own preferences of strings and chori. Violin, cello, guitar, lots more; I�m assembling CD No. 4. We haven�t talked much lately though after each conversation she realizes she did all the talking and I didn�t, pledging to make me talk next time; I never do. I don�t talk to anybody in every sense of the word. I suppose I talk here despite censoring and writing bland prose, hesitant to reach towards kalchaino. What a beautiful word, the Greek for �to search for the purple fish� meaning to delve deep into the hidden parts of the mind and heart.
Marc called Saturday and I told him I was uninterested in hanging out or going to a movie. I relied on the trusted and true It�s not a good idea and I�m certain I won�t hear back from him again.
I've shot myself in the foot.
I didn't trust him when he said nice things about me.
