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11:26 a.m. - May 11, 2003
The next time I say Go Away be stubborn
I walked out of church this morning. ďWalked outĒ is too forceful and suggests stratagem or passion, neither of which I evidenced. I left church this morning because I felt just plain bad when the associate pastorís message on purity of spirit referenced homosexuality to highlight the chasm between the unspoiled and filth. I sat there feeling defeated as if I brandished a scarlet G on my forehead and again wondered can anybody tell? As with most facets of my life, Iím struggling to reconcile two features that donít easily align in a complementary pattern. I donít believe Christianity is inherently opposed to homosexuality but is opposed to the lifestyle Ė sophistry alert, eh? I scoff but this is what I think and I know that my Christianity is opposed to homosexuality, period. Will I achieve any type of balance?

Theologically, Iím a conservative Christian; I attend an evangelical church youíd likely think was fundamentalist in scope and mission Ė itís not Ė but itís a far cry from the live-and-let live Lutheran and Presbyterian varieties. In my Christianity homosexuality is a sin and while all sin is sin, itís a capital-S sin; it is depravity and hyper-focused on the pleasure of the body, inherently destructive, a symptom of destroyed childhoods and families. And I believe this. And I also believe that not every gay man is like that, their visages obscured by the scrim of the Media Homosexual Lifestyle; I believe, I have to, that there are gay men able to have long-term, healthy relationships, be a force for good. Iím a fool for believing that, but I try.

It is growing more difficult to straddle the fence. Extending my hands on either side I can only grasp so much yet see what Iím unable to obtain. I wonít be a satisfied Christian, I wonít be a content gay man. An either / or perspective loses too much.

All this makes me wonder if the key is to renounce gay sex and relationships, like Andy. Such a postulation makes me snicker because I think of how difficult it is for me to engage in sexual intimacy with men, ergo just donít do it and I can diminish the conflict, yet it doesnít address the sheer want I have, the one causing all these worries.

I cried while driving home.

Iím not embarrassed to admit that I cry because I never could up until last year. Perhaps one of the better lessons learned from Spec, that Iím not wholly immune to emotion.

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Compiling classical music CDs for Bathsheba, heavily biased towards my own preferences of strings and chori. Violin, cello, guitar, lots more; Iím assembling CD No. 4. We havenít talked much lately though after each conversation she realizes she did all the talking and I didnít, pledging to make me talk next time; I never do. I donít talk to anybody in every sense of the word. I suppose I talk here despite censoring and writing bland prose, hesitant to reach towards kalchaino. What a beautiful word, the Greek for ďto search for the purple fishĒ meaning to delve deep into the hidden parts of the mind and heart.

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Marc called Saturday and I told him I was uninterested in hanging out or going to a movie. I relied on the trusted and true Itís not a good idea and Iím certain I wonít hear back from him again.

I've shot myself in the foot.

I didn't trust him when he said nice things about me.

 

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